WASHINGTON D.C. —July 10 is National Kitten Day, a day to celebrate the adorable little bundles of fur that bring us so much joy and love, and President Donald Trump marked the occasion by issuing an ominous warning to his political opponents.
The White House’s National Kitten Day event took place on the White House South Lawn, and the event was celebrated with hundreds of precious kittens up for adoption to good homes, balloon animals, funnel cakes, a ferris wheel, and a two hour speech threatening violent consequences to all who consider opposing the President.
“National Kitten Day, folks, isn’t it great?” Trump said in his address to the gathered kitten enthusiasts, many of them small children. “These kittens are all going to go to great homes. But you know who doesn’t have a bright future? The lying, thieving Democrats who stole the 2020 election from me. But they’ll get theirs. They’ll taste hell as surely as Mr. Poopkins here tastes Fancy Feast.”
Trump’s speech covered a variety of topics, including the importance of spaying and neutering your pets, how wonderful it is to pet a kitten, the stolen 2020 election, “toe beans,” Iran being wiped off the face of the Earth in a nuclear fire, the winner of the funny hat competition, the possibility that Barack Obama is a reptilian, which kitten breed is the best cuddlebug, putting Democrats into forced labor camps, kittens “making biscuits” with their tiny paws, and which circle of Hell Merv Griffin resides in.
Steven Cheung, White House Communications Director and first successful pig/human hybrid, said that unlike the losers who have disgraced the Oval Office in the past, Trump understands how to write a speech.
“Barack Hussein Obama and Joe Biden used to write a new speech for every event,” Cheung said. “That’s a coward’s way out. A real leader knows that you should never waver from the truth. And that’s why Donald Trump has been giving the exact same speech every single day for the last ten years.”
“Everybody loves kittens, except maybe the Democrats, I don’t know,” Trump told the assembled crowd. “They don’t love anything except Communism. They hate God. They want to see all of these children, these beautiful children at National Whatever Day, they want to see them strangled to death in their beds by the Khmer Rouge.”
“And now look, the Democrats have made all these children cry,” Trump added. “It’s like I always say: Joe Biden.”
Attendees at the White House National Kitten Day ceremony said that Trump’s speech was “pretty much what (they) expected.”
“I may have come here for the kittens, but I stayed for the lengthy diatribe about the enemies of our nation, many of whom could be my own neighbors,” said Rusty Odell, Trump supporter and kitten enthusiast. “I was feeling a little blah this morning, but now I’m so amped up with fear and rage that I could go to the Winn-Dixie and take a swing at the first person who doesn’t look sufficiently patriotic, and I believe I will.”
“I love that Trump isn’t afraid to say what’s on his mind,” said attendee Missy Walters. “Whatever he’s thinking, he just says it, over and over again, whether anyone’s listening or not, just constantly and endlessly saying what’s on his mind in perpetuity until the heat death of the universe.”
“Nobody has ever been more persecuted than my President,” said Bob McCormick, in response to a question about his favorite kitten. “I mean, the liberal news media just loves to crucify him. I can’t think of another man who’s ever been mistreated and subsequently crucified as bad as Donald Trump.”
Unfortunately, the National Kitten Day celebration was cut short when the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool caught fire.
