WASHINGTON D.C. — After weeks of speculation, Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell and wife Elaine Chao hosted a press conference on Monday to finally put to rest rumors that the senator is no longer alive.
The press conference, which took place at the rehab center where the senator currently resides, comes more than a month after an ambulance was sent to McConnell’s home on June 14 after McConnell was found unconscious.
Chao led the press conference from an easy chair in McConnell’s room at the rehab, while a hale and rosy-cheeked McConnell sat on her knee.
“There are vicious rumors circulating that my husband has been either dead or incapacitated and unable to serve his term since he was admitted to the hospital last month,” Chao said. “Even more insultingly, there are those who claim that the Republican party is intentionally concealing my husband’s true condition because he could lose his seat if unable to serve, which would result in a special election that would either split the Republican vote or allow Thomas Massie to take my husband’s seat, which would be an enormous blow to the MAGA agenda.
“Needless to say,” Chao continued, “such a corrupt act is something my husband and I simply would not do.”
“Say,” McConnell interjected, “did you just call me a wood knot?”
Once the laughter died down, Chao continued, her loving hand placed on McConnell’s back.
“To put matters to rest, say hi, Mitch.”
“Hi, Mitch!” McConnell said.
“Boy, I’m a little nervous, Mitch,” Chao said. “There are so many nosy journalists here, my throat’s getting a little dry.”
“Why don’t you drink a glass of water while I sing a song to entertain the nice people?” McConnell replied.
At that point, as Chao drank a glass of water, McConnell sang several verses of “Swanee River” to the delight of the assembled journalists.
McConnell also fielded a number of questions. When asked about Thomas Massie’s continued pot stirring within the Republican Party, McConnell dismissed Massie as a member of a small but vocal splinter group.
“And believe me, I know splinters!” he added.
When asked for a comment on President Donald Trump’s dire warnings regarding Communism in the United States, McConnell said he agreed with Trump’s assessment.
“Communism is an enormous threat,” McConnell said. “Just ask my old pal Charlie McCarthy — I mean Joe McCarthy!”
McConnell added that his relationship with the President remains strong and that they agree on most topics, adding that “they say he has small hands, but they sure don’t feel small to me!”
While the question and answer portion of the press conference was originally scheduled for ten minutes, it was cut short when a flock of vultures at the window began to drown out McConnell’s words.
