By BEN R. WILLIAMS
Now listen up: I’m getting mighty tired of hearing about these aliens.
I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. We’ve all seen the reports on the “news.” We’ve all heard that aliens from the distant exoplanet Altair IV have been buzzing all over the Earth. We’ve all heard that every night, these aliens land in major cities and abduct about 3,000 Americans. We’ve all heard that about three percent of those Americans are never returned, and those that are returned are traumatized, probably from the probings and whatnot.
Well, I don’t buy it for a minute. The whole thing is just a great big hoax.
First off, I don’t know anybody who’s been abducted. I mean, I know people who say they know people who were abducted, but you can’t trust anybody these days. Out here in Possum Forks, nobody’s so much as seen a flying saucer.
Sure, I mean, we’ve seen pictures of them in the paper and videos on the news, but you can’t trust the media. You know those newspaper writers are only in it for the money.
But hey, I’ll play along. Let’s say that 3,000 people really ARE getting abducted every day. Did you know that about 1,500 people go missing in this country every day? But I don’t hear anybody crying about that. “Oh boo hoo hoo, we gotta do something about kidnappings!” We just suck it up. That’s the cost of doing business.
And speaking of the cost of doing business, now the government is telling me I can’t go out after dark because “that’s when the aliens abduct people?” What about all the businesses that only operate at night, like the sleep clinic, or that nip joint on the edge of town? What are they supposed to do? Are we going to destroy our economy just because we’re afraid of some supposed super-advanced invaders from beyond the stars?
And what am I supposed to do if I want a taco at 1 a.m.? Am I supposed to just NOT go get a taco? What do you think Ben Franklin would say if someone told him an American couldn’t go buy a taco because of the government, and then explained to him what a taco is? He’d probably shed a single manly tear, and then he’d invent a special little windshield wiper to wipe that tear off his cheek, because that guy loved two things: Inventing stuff, and being an American.
Now the government is saying that folks shouldn’t leave their lights on at night. They say that if you leave your lights on, the aliens won’t just abduct you, they might abduct your neighbors.
Listen, we didn’t create organized society to take care of people. We created organized society to … well, I’ll come back to that, but the point is, it ain’t my job to worry about my neighbor. If old lady McPherson didn’t want her life endangered, she shouldn’t have moved next door to me.
The whole thing is just a big, dumb lie. There aren’t any aliens out there.
That’s why me and my buddies are setting up the landing strip.
Hey, what better way to prove the aliens aren’t real than by inviting them to come on down and land right in front of us? We’ve already rented a big strip of beach down in South Carolina, and we’re going to line that bad boy with spotlights and torches and Christmas lights, paint a great big red “X” right in the middle. And we’re going to sit out there all night, hooting and hollering, just waiting for the so-called “aliens” to come down and abduct us.
Heh. I bet you’re feeling pretty triggered just thinking about it.