The office of Sen. Commodore Bellflower strongly condemns the rumors being spread about him, especially those shared by members of his own party.
Sen. Bellflower’s critics claim that the Senator is experiencing age-related mental decline and no longer has the capacity to perform the duties of his job. This is merely another example of the ageism that plagues our modern society and shows the disappointing lack of respect afforded to our seniors.
Sen. Bellflower’s critics highlight that he has missed dozens of Senate votes and, due to a recent convalescence, has been absent from the Judiciary Committee, thereby preventing the President from appointing nominees. The lack of respect shown to the Senator is truly galling. Is a man not allowed to heal after breaking his hip in seventeen places?
In a recent statement, Sen. Bellflower condemned these vicious rumors as “flamwash.”
“These new young politicians claim I’ve lost my marbles,” the esteemed Senator said, “but they’re the ones who can’t place their Tom bowlers and croton alleys. They’re as unseasoned as Ida McKinley’s Swiss steak.”
This, of course, is not the first time that Sen. Bellflower has faced age-related discrimination. He was nearly kicked out of Roosevelt’s Rough Riders for being too old to enlist, but his bravery at San Juan Hill proved his value to our nation and helped turn the tides of the Spanish-American War.
“It’s despicable the way these hoop snakes treat a veteran,” the Senator commented, punctuating his point by spitting a wad of tobacco into a brass spittoon. “It’s the worst case I’ve ever seen of men turning against one of their confederates, and I personally watched Stonewall Jackson catch three friendly bullets at Chancellorsville.”
“They’d do well to remember that a hog what eats fast don’t eat long,” Sen. Bellflower added.
Despite calls for his resignation, Sen. Bellflower has made clear that he has no intention to resign from either the Judiciary Committee or the office of Senator.
“This country needs a steady hand on the tiller,” he remarked. “People are concerned about the real issues. Are my war bonds losing value? Can we maintain trade with Siam? What are the Prussians planning? These are issues I’m planning to discuss with that new President of ours, Mr. O’Biden. He seems reasonable for an Irishman.”
Sen. Bellflower wishes to assure his constituents that not only will he not be resigning, he’s also not slowing down; in fact, he recently drafted a new piece of legislation.
“The Puzzle-Stealing Nurse Accountability Act is very close to my heart,” Sen. Bellflower said. “Far too many puzzles get stolen every year by nurses who want those sweet, sweet puzzles for themselves. It’s high time someone stood up to those dizzy dames. And don’t get me started on those thieving candy stripers.”
But Sen. Bellflower isn’t stopping there. The sprightly supercentenarian announced that you’re never too old to change with the times, and he plans to support his party’s more progressive legislation.
“Sure, sure, I’m progressive,” Sen. Bellflower said. “It’s the 21st century. I think it’s high time women were allowed to own property, and I don’t care if I’m labeled a bleeding-heart liberal for saying it.”
When re-elected in 2024, Sen. Bellflower will be proud to serve as our nation’s second-oldest Senator following the late Sen. Strom Thurmond.
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