DALLAS, TX — At the recent Republican midterm convention in Dallas, Texas, President Donald Trump announced that he’s committed to giving every American adult a $5,000 dividend after the midterm elections if they’ll just let him hold a dollar.
“C’mon man, my aunt’s real sick,” Trump told the cheering audience. “She lives three towns over, and I gotta bring her some food, and you know how expensive the bus is. C’mon, just loan me a couple hundo and I swear I’ll send all Americans a check for $5,000. You know I’m good for it.”
“Her name?” Trump added. “It’s Don… uh… Donna! Donna… Truestory. Yes, Donna Truestory. We all love Aunt Truestory, don’t we?”
U.S. House Speaker Mike Johnson defended Trump’s announcement, saying that the $5,000 dividend would boost economic growth and argued that Republicans had delivered tax cuts, higher wages, lower drug costs, and other wonderful things that are happening three towns over where Trump’s aunt lives.
“While it’s ultimately up to Congress, there’s nothing wrong with Trump’s promise to give each American adult $5,000 if they can just float him a few hundred bucks to buy food for his sick aunt,” Johnson said. “But it has to be cash, don’t go sending us food to give her. She, uh, she has to eat prescription food.”
However, even some of Trump’s most ardent supporters are beginning to get cold feet after Trump’s promised $5,000 DOGE check and $2,000 tariff check have failed to materialize.
“Just last week, I gave Trump fifty bucks to fill his gas tank so he could make it to his child support hearing,” said Trump supporter Jeff Foley. “That’s the third time this month that he’s run out of gas at the exact same gas station. I’m starting to think something doesn’t add up.”
Susan Myers said that she’s voted for Trump three times and plans to vote for him a fourth time, but even she is beginning to have some doubts that Trump will fulfill his promises.
“He still hasn’t delivered the stuff I bought from him back when he was really into selling Younique and essential oils,” she said. “I mean, I’ll still support anything and everything he does even if it costs me my friends and family and I ultimately die alone, but I would like to get that mascara I paid for.”
Drew Newton said that while he still supports the president, his policies have caused him some economic hardship.
“The price of gas is through the roof,” Newton said. “Now, I don’t blame that on Trump. But I do blame him for stealing the catalytic converter out of my Dodge Ram. He told me it was for charity, but I don’t know.”
Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer said that the $5,000 dividend is just the latest promise from Trump that will ultimately fail to materialize.
“This is even worse than the time Trump told his supporters that he was in contact with a Nigerian prince who would give them millions of dollars if they could just send a few thousand bucks to bribe a bank official,” Schumer said. “If our nation is to survive, the path forward is clear: we must stop Zohran Mamdani.”
