by Ben WilliamsSILVER SPRING, MARYLAND — The Food and Drug Administration on Monday issued a recall on food.
At a press conference at the FDA’s White Oak Campus on Monday, acting commissioner of the FDA Kyle Diamantas announced that the agency had issued a recall on food, best known as the nutritious substance we all eat to maintain life.
“Due to a wide-ranging series of potential and confirmed contaminations, we are issuing a recall on all food, effective immediately,” Diamantas said to the assembled reporters. “This recall includes meat, vegetables, fruits, grains, dairy products, bread, all processed foods, all unprocessed foods, Funyuns, and anything else I forgot to mention that could reasonably be classified as a food item.”
In response to a question from a reporter, Diamantas said that the recall also affects circus peanuts, despite the fact that “they have never met the legal definition of ‘food.’”
According to Diamantas, the reasons for the recall are various, including contamination with E. coli, cyclospora, salmonella, listeria, insect parts, insect wholes, mice, cats, ink, heavy metals, death metals, literal poisons, moon dust, and pieces of guys.
“Across the food industry, incidents of some guy falling in the vat have increased by 3,600 percent over the last year,” Diamantas said. “This is bad news for consumers, and it’s clearly bad news for some guy.”
During the press conference, Diamantas said that the United States Department of Health and Human Services remains confident that cutting regulations and leaving food safety up to private industry will yield great results.
“First time for everything,” he said, before briefly ducking under the podium and drinking something.
In an exclusive interview, United States Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. said that all food being recalled doesn’t concern him, suggesting that Americans should incorporate more diverse natural food sources into their diets, including insects, sparrows, and cats.
“All life interests me,” Kennedy said, eating a housefly. “They’re perfectly nutritious. You see, each life that I ingest gives back life to me. A kitten, I beg of you. A little, sleek, playful kitten. Something I can teach. Something I can feed. No one would refuse me a kitten. My salvation depends upon it! I need lives. I need lives for the Master! The Master will come, and he has promised to make me immortal! The blood is the life! The blood is the life!”
The interview had to be cut short due to breaking news that a merchant ship carrying President Donald Trump and several crates of earth from Mar-a-Lago had crashed into the Port of Whitby, releasing thousands of plague-infected rats.
