By Ben R. Williams
Every week, I try to take our hideous current events, say something semi-insightful about them, and throw in a few jokes. It’s not easy, but it’s a responsibility I take seriously.
But I’m going to level with you, folks; I had a legendarily bad week, and my reserves of insight and jokes are at an all-time low. With that in mind, I’m going to do something a little bit different this week. I’m just going to provide a timeline of our nation’s current war with Iran. Here it is.
Feb. 28: The United States and Israel launch a series of military strikes on Iran. This is known as “Operation Epic Fury.”
Mar. 3: President Donald Trump announces the war has been won.
Mar. 9: Trump announces that we must continue attacking Iran, but that the war is nearly won.
Mar. 12: Trump announces that the war has been won, I mean, pretty much, but we haven’t won completely yet.
Mar. 13: Trump announces that the war has been won.
Mar. 14: Trump asks U.S. allies to help us fight the war.
Mar. 15: Trump announces that if our allies don’t help us win the war, we’ll remember it.
Mar. 16: Trump announces we don’t need any help from our dumb allies. Also, if NATO doesn’t help us, they will suffer.
Mar. 17: Trump announces we don’t need any help from NATO, and that he doesn’t need Congressional approval to withdraw from NATO.
Mar. 18: Trump announces that our allies must help us re-open the Strait of Hormuz.
Mar. 20: Trump announces that NATO are cowards.
Mar. 21: Trump announces that we don’t need the Strait of Hormuz to reopen because we don’t use it.
Mar. 22: Trump says that if Iran doesn’t open the Strait of Hormuz in 48 hours, they are “dead.”
Mar. 23: Trump announces we’re giving ‘em a little more time.
Mar. 24: Trump announces the war, which first ended March 3, is almost over.
Mar. 25: Negotiations continue.
Mar. 26: Trump announces Iran is begging for peace. Also, they have given the U.S. a mysterious and valuable gift, its identity yet to be revealed.
Mar. 27: Trump announces that talks with Iran are going well.
Mar. 28: Trump announces the war, which first ended March 3, is almost over.
Mar. 29: Trump announces that Iran’s Kharg Island is a nice little place, be a shame if something happened to it.
Mar. 30: Trump announces that if Iran doesn’t open the Strait of Hormuz, we will destroy their energy infrastructure.
Mar. 31: Trump announces we don’t need the Strait of Hormuz after all and encourages the U.K. to get their own oil.
April 1: Trump announces that Iran wants a ceasefire, we might pull out of NATO, and also, we’re not making a deal with Iran.
April 3: Trump posits that we can just steal Iran’s oil and make a killing.
April 5: In a calm and measured Truth Social post, Trump asks Iran to “open the f****’ Strait you crazy b****** or you’ll be living in Hell” before offering praise to Allah on Easter Sunday.
April 6: Trump announces that the U.S. could potentially charge people to pass through the Strait of Hormuz.
April 7: Trump announces that he will wipe the entire Iranian civilization off the planet, presumably with nuclear weapons.
April 8: Trump announces that Iran has accepted a ceasefire and the Strait of Hormuz has re-opened. It closes later that day.
April 10: Trump announces that Iran has no cards left to play.
April 11: Trump sends Vice President J.D. Vance to Pakistan to negotiate with Iran. Despite his total lack of qualifications and charisma, Vance fails to successfully negotiate.
April 12: Trump announces that the U.S. will blockade the Strait of Hormuz, criticizes the Pope for being weak on crime.
April 13: On Truth Social, Trump posts an AI rendering of himself as Jesus Christ.
Anyway, if you’re looking for the joke, you’ll find it in the Oval Office.
