By Ben R. Williams
All right, I hear your complaints. You’re all upset that I drove the car off the cliff. You keep saying that “we’re all going to die” and I’ve “doomed us all.”
I want you all to just take a deep breath, relax, and watch the scenery whip past the windows.
Everything’s going to be just fine. In fact, we’re all going to be better off than we were before I drove off the cliff. Frankly, I think you’re all just suffering from a bad case of Cliff Derangement Syndrome.
I’ve been driving these roads for years, and you know what? They’re boring and predictable. Stop at this light, yield at this sign, slow down to 45. Rules are made to be broken, guys. And what better way to give a jolt to the quiet tyranny of the American highway system than by punching through the guardrail and driving straight off a cliff?
It’s a bold choice. An outsider choice. It’s not the kind of choice those establishment road safety engineers would make. And that’s exactly why it’s brilliant.
You know, this car just happens to be the greatest car in the world: the 2003 Buick Rendezvous. It’s the envy of other cars the whole world over. Over the years, it’s seen some challenges. It’s hit some patches of ice, been in a few fender-benders. But every time, it’s come out stronger than before. If this car could survive getting a flat tire on the interstate, why are you all acting like it won’t survive driving off a cliff?
“But we’re all going to die when we hit the bottom of the cliff!” Uh, dramatic much? Let’s assess our current situation. So far, we’re shaving at LEAST 20 minutes off this trip. I’ve never gotten better gas mileage. We have plenty of snacks. My 401(k) is doing great. I’m really not sure what you’re all complaining about. Right now, at this exact moment, everything is perfectly fine, and I see no reason why that should change any time soon.
Now, I will admit, I just glanced out the window and it does seem like the ground is rushing up to meet us. Emphasis on SEEM. But I’m not worried. Unlike you people, I haven’t swallowed all the deep state propaganda about how driving off cliffs is bad. Try doing your own research and being a free thinker, not some kind of beta sheep.
I realize that when I first mentioned the idea of driving off the cliff, you all got very upset and begged me not to do it, and of course I did it anyway. If it turns out that this actually was a bad idea and we’re all killed or horribly maimed, you’re probably going to try and blame me for it.
In my opinion, the blame lies squarely on you folks. You should have done a better job of explaining your position, and maybe not had such a weird laugh.
After all, I’m not some kind of unreasonable idiot. I’m just a man who thought it might be a good idea to drive his car off a cliff.
