By BEN R. WILLIAMS
I just don’t get it.
I’ve owned this company for decades, and never before have I had such a hard time finding employees. I pay a fair wage — the minimum one — and I offer up to 39 hours per week, at least for folks who have been with the company for a few years. You can’t just expect to get everything handed to you on a silver platter, you know.
And yet, just lately, I’m finding that I have to limit my business hours. We haven’t been open at all on Sundays and Mondays for the last few months. If I don’t find a new batch of employees soon, I won’t be able to open at all.
It looks like no one wants to work anymore.
I just don’t get it. Back in the ‘80s and ‘90s, I didn’t have any problem finding employees. Sure, it got a little harder around 2008 for some reason and it’s been a challenge ever since, but just lately, no one will even show up for an interview.
I guess this younger generation just doesn’t understand the value of hard work. They want to sit at home all day playing video games and watching that Madonna on MTV. I guess they can make more money collecting an unemployment check.
It’s a pretty sick world, all right.
I just wish there were a handful of young folks out there who understood that you don’t start out at the top, you have to work your way there. I just wish there were even a few young people who knew the value of hard work.
If I can’t find any, I’m going to have to close the Abuse-A-Torium.
You see, my grandfather came to this country with a simple dream: a dream of starting a business where the little guy could walk into a family-friendly place, find himself a bright-eyed youngster standing at a counter, and then just buckle down and hurl abuse at that teenager until they burst into tears.
You know, the average Joe needs that. After having your boss on your case all day, there’s nothing better than unloading fiery invective on an innocent bystander who can’t fire you or even fight back in any way. That’s the principle that made the Abuse-A-Torium a spectacularly successful business.
And before you think poorly of me, we’ve always maintained a strict policy here at the Abuse-A-Torium: customers have to keep the abuse emotional and psychological. If you throw even one punch, you’re politely asked to leave, and you can’t come back for at least a month. We stand by that policy.
Heck, I paid for my college education by working at the Abuse-A-Torium. I was thrilled when my father gave me the opportunity to be the manager. It was hard work sitting in my office all day, just peering out the window and watching people berate my employees. Sometimes the customers would get so loud that I’d whiff a shot on my bumper pool table. But you know what? By the end of that summer, I’d saved up enough money for college tuition, an apartment, a Chevy Camaro, and a bass boat.
Nowadays, young people squander all their money in some way I don’t understand and they can’t afford any of that stuff. It’s almost sad.
I tell you, I’d hate to see the Abuse-A-Torium close permanently. On nights when we’re down to one employee, it just breaks my heart to see customers lined up out the door, red-faced and furious, their fists clenching and unclenching, just mumbling under their breath as they grit their teeth. Last week, one of my employees quit before his shift was even over! To make matters worse, he stole a stool and a bunch of rope on his way out! I just can’t believe these shiftless Millennials.
Oh, but it gets worse. The other day, my remaining employees confronted me. They said they were sick of these horrible working conditions, they needed a raise, they were going to start a union, blah blah blah. One of them even raised his voice at me! I fired them all on the spot.
What, do they expect me to take that kind of abuse?