WASHINGTON, D.C. — It’s bad news for Joe Biden this week as a new Republican frontrunner has emerged: Varkon the Defiler, an intergalactic warlord who announced his candidacy on Tuesday.
Varkon, a 12-foot-tall multi-limbed monstrosity whose very visage causes madness in humans, recently escaped from the distant prison planet Altair IV and has set his sights on the U.S. presidency. If elected, he has promised to enslave humanity and build a “Brainflayer Laser” that will destroy Altair IV once and for all.
“For a thousand years I slumbered on that cursed rock, quietly plotting my revenge,” Varkon said in his campaign announcement at D.C.’s Waldorf Astoria. “Soon, Altair IV will be annihilated and this hateful planet will know the true meaning of fear. I demand the votes of all Americans. Those who support me will be killed first and thus spared the horrors to come.”
Former Donald Trump campaign chairman and current convicted felon Paul Manafort described Varkon the Defiler as “the only clear choice.”
“Varkon the Defiler is basically Trump without the baggage,” Manafort said. “He’s obsessed with revenge. He hates humanity. He wants to see his enemies driven before him and crushed into the earth. But he’s never said a kind word about Jeffrey Epstein, so he’s got that going for him.”
Outspoken Democratic campaign consultant James Carville said that in his view, Democrats are going to have a difficult choice at the polls this November.
“The Democrats are all the time whining about identity politics and trying to put silver spoon socialists into positions of power,” Carville said. “Like him or loathe him, Varkon the Defiler has tapped into what the American voters really care about: vengeance and cruelty.”
Already, Varkon the Defiler has unveiled his five point plan for his presidency.
“First, all of humanity will be enslaved,” Varkon said. “Second, humans will be made to toil in the mines to unearth precious metals to build the laser. Third, the surviving humans will be made to build the Brainflayer Laser. Fourth, Altair IV will be blasted from the sky. And fifth, I shall usher in a new dark age of torment for those unlucky enough to still live, an era of monstrous horrors beyond man’s comprehension. The seas will birth abominations and the skies will scream and rain blood. The sun will fade to a pale dot that offers neither warmth nor light, the forests will turn black, and the only sound anyone will hear is a high-pitched pitiful wailing that they instinctively know is their own haggard voice yet they cannot recognize it for they will have lost themselves in the dark.”
“Vote Varkon the Defiler 2024,” he added.
“He’s got my vote,” said Mary Griffin of Tunica, Mississippi. “I’m not crazy about his policy of killing most of humanity and driving the few survivors insane, but it’s not like the Democrats are any better.”
Already, many potential voters have latched onto the fact that the construction of the Brainflayer Laser will require the use of all of the cobalt and lithium on the planet.
“That means no more electric cars,” said Bud Jenkins of McMullen, Alabama. “I get to keep driving my Ram, and he gets to blow up that jerk planet or whatever. Politics are about compromise, something the Democrats have forgotten.”
“The American voters recognize that Joe Biden is just too old to serve,” said commentator Laura Ingraham. “Varkon the Defiler has existed since the dawn of the universe, but as far as anyone can tell, he’s some sort of immortal entity. He’s also a much better speaker.”
So confident is Varkon the Defiler of his chances in the upcoming Presidential election that during a recent rally, he boasted that he could “stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and vaporize somebody and (he) wouldn’t lose any voters.” To prove the point, he then aimed a ray gun of some sort at Republican Presidential hopeful Chris Christie and pulled the trigger, reducing the former Governor of New Jersey to a small puddle of smoking green goo.
“His terror pleased me,” Varkon quipped, stirring laughter and applause from his supporters.
“That Varkon is a real straight shooter,” said Hunter Hughes of Seville, Georgia. “Look, I’m not exactly looking forward to getting enslaved and murdered. But as long as he’s doing it to the liberals too, I call that a win.”