By BEN R. WILLIAMS
My fellow senators,
It has been five months since the Martian invasion. Five months since those little green men landed their flying saucers in Union Square. Five months since they burst through the doors of Congress, the very seat of our democracy, their tentacles flailing hither and thither, their ray guns firing indiscriminately into crowds of on-lookers.
I was there that day, friends. And that’s why you should listen to me when I say the following:
Isn’t it time to move on?
Now look, I’m not saying I support the Martians. However, I’m also not saying that their intentions were “evil” or “about conquering humanity.” It’s entirely possible that the Martians were simply tourists, friendly sight-seers who visited our planet to see our great American democracy first-hand. And maybe for a Martian, a friendly howdy-do looks to our eyes like a Capitol police officer getting vaporized by a laser blast. We can’t possibly know their intentions.
Besides, the Martians are gone now! They went back to Mars, never to return, probably. How long are we going to keep talking about this?
And really, the Martian “attack” wasn’t all that bad. The so-called “media” made it sound as though I spent the entire incident crouched in a broom closet, my suit soaked through with terror sweat, just crying like a fat little baby. Nothing could be further from the truth. It was a utility closet.
I’m also tired of the accusations that some of my fellow senators may have aided the Martians in their invasion of the Capitol. These are good, honorable men, like Sen. Chris Rafael of Texas, or Sen. Jordan Jimson of Ohio, or Sen. Gleep-Glorp of Parts Unknown. They would never aid the Martians. And even if they did, I’m sure they had a good reason for it.
In fact, I sometimes think us humans could learn something from the Martians. At heart, isn’t democracy about standing up for what you believe in? Isn’t it about exercising your rights? Isn’t it about kicking down the doors of Congress, wandering around, firing ray guns at innocent people, stealing things, and going to the bathroom in a hallway?
That’s what the Constitution says, as far as I know.
It’s for these reasons that I ask you to vote against the investigation into the Martians. This investigation is nothing more than the usual naked political maneuvering by the opposition, and that’s why I’m nakedly asking members of my political party to maneuver away from it. Our opponents apparently want to let the Martians live in their heads rent-free. If anyone wants to live in my head, they’d better donate to one of my several Super PACs.
No, it’s time to move on, time to forget about the Martians. We shouldn’t investigate the Martian leader. We shouldn’t investigate the Martian soldiers. In fact, we should stop teaching our impressionable students about Mars altogether. Don’t we have enough planets?
And so, my fellow Senators, I urge you to vote “no” on this sham Martian investigation. If history has taught us anything, it is that if you’re confronted with a problem, the best way to solve it is to ignore it, forget it, and avoid any understanding of how it happened in the first place.
On an unrelated note, you should also vote against this new climate change bill.