By BEN R. WILLIAMS
PRESS RELEASE — This weekend, come on out to the Foggy Mountain Amphitheater to see all your favorite rock acts of the last three decades (excluding the current one)! In defiance of all logic and reason, we’re cramming 40,000 rock superfans into one location to enjoy the greatest music Top 40 radio had to offer a while back!
Who’s going to be in attendance? How about 1Hit 1Der! They’ll be playing their best-known (and possibly only) song “Lady, You’re a Woman.” Rapper Large Jimmy will be on hand to debut his newest album, “Need Money,” part of his ongoing “I Shouldn’t Have Hired My Entire Extended Family” tour. Need more? Shock rocker Rob Graves will be playing the entirety of his most popular album, “Spooky Hillbilly Skeleton Murder Concern.”
Also, there will be a large number of grizzly bears.
The bears have escaped from a nearby wildlife rehab center and they are very large and very hungry. They have infested the Foggy Mountain Amphitheater and we cannot get them out. There are perhaps 40 of them, and they WILL kill and eat many dozens of attendees, possibly hundreds.
But hey, the bears aren’t the only wild act appearing this weekend! Remember SUPERDOOM? Well, they’re still touring and they’ll be here. How about Daddy Cricket? Contrary to popular belief, they are ALL still alive and will be playing the greatest hits of 1999! D.U.R.T will also be here, and they WILL play ANYTHING for FIVE BUCKS.
We would also like to mention that the grizzly bears that have invaded the amphitheater were initially sent to the wildlife rehab center to be treated for radiation poisoning. They are all highly radioactive, so even if you manage to stay as far away from them as possible, you might still become seriously ill. However, the radiation poisoning has not adversely affected the bears and has instead given them super-strength.
Hey, do you like camping? Well bring a tent and spend all four days of the Foggy Mountain Rock Festival under the stars! Each attendee will be provided with three square feet of land on which to pitch their tent (note: land may be sloped at 45 degree angle or greater). We will also have 120 parking spaces (first come, first served). Don’t want to park? No worries! Our shuttle service runs every six hours!
We should also note that shortly before wandering into the Foggy Mountain Amphitheater, the 40 radioactive grizzly bears encountered a downed Cessna 172 Skyhawk that had apparently been used for drug smuggling. The aircraft contained approximately 70 pounds of high-grade cocaine, all of which was eaten by the bears. While grizzly bears can normally hit a peak speed of 35 mph, we clocked one of these coked-up nuclear grizzlies running about 115 mph, so escape will not be an option.
But you know what will help get your mind off of your own horrible impending death? Beer! At our beer tent, our staff are happy to provide you with America’s favorite beer: Budweiser, served in a plastic bottle so you won’t injure any of the local acts when you throw the empties at them. Just $11 a bottle!
I should probably go ahead and wrap up this press release — I hear some sort of agitated clawing noise at my office door — but don’t miss the Foggy Mountain Rock Festival this weekend! Remember: a ship in harbor is safe, but that’s not what ships were built for, so don’t be afraid to roll the dice on a chance at a horrible, unspeakable death in order to see the musical acts that you love because they were popular when you were 18 years old and you didn’t yet fully grasp the concepts of responsibility or mortality.