My fellow Americans,
My name is Thomas Ford, and I’m the United States Secretary of Commerce. I was chosen to come before you today to present you with some incredible news.
Since February of 2021, NASA’s Perseverance, the latest of its Mars rovers, has been exploring the surface of the red planet. One month ago today, it made a discovery: a previously unknown cave concealed within a crater on the planet’s surface.
The Perseverance descended into this cave, and what it found was awe-inspiring: a sprawling underground city, populated by ten million intelligent bipedal lifeforms.
Ladies and gentlemen, the question of our age has been answered: we are not alone in the universe.
These Martians are possessed of three legs and four arms, yet they walk upright as we do. They are only about three feet tall, and based on preliminary studies, we believe them to have a level of intelligence similar to our own. However, their civilization has not advanced to the same degree as ours; they appear to be in the Martian equivalent of the Iron Age. While they have tools and simple machines, they have yet to harness electricity, much less the semiconductor.
My friends, the significance of this discovery and the import of this moment are so obvious as to go without saying, but I will nonetheless state the thought that I know is on all of our minds:
This is going to be an absolute boon for American manufacturing.
Just think about it: after seeing the Millennial generation work themselves half to death with little to show for it, Gen Z has decided to engage in “quiet quitting,” doing the bare minimum at work since overachieving won’t improve their station and they’ll never be able to afford to buy a house or retire no matter what they do.
Even in China, there’s been a sudden rise in “tang ping,” translating roughly to “lying flat,” which means taking a more laid-back attitude toward life and not attempting to overachieve since it’s proven time and again that overworking is rewarded with more work.
However, we’re working with a blank slate when it comes to these Martians. They haven’t lived through multiple recessions. They don’t know what a 401k is. They don’t even know the value of a dollar!
Let’s face it: we’re in the midst of a crisis here on planet Earth. We’re simply running out of lifeforms to exploit. These Martians are a gift from the cosmos, a bunch of outer space hayseeds that we can dump on Earth like slack-jawed rubes tumbling from the back of an intergalactic turnip truck.
And folks, it just gets better. Given their short stature, the Martians will be able to do all the same work that children do, like harvesting cocoa for Mars (the candy company, not the aforementioned celestial body) or making shoes for Nike. What’s more, with their four arms, the Martians should be able to stitch twice as many sneakers as an old-fashioned exploited child, and in half the time to boot.
Now, I do understand that there are ethical concerns here. Specifically, is it ethical to ask major corporations to invest in the rocket ships necessary to bring the Martians back to Earth when it could take weeks or even months for them to see a return on their investment?
Thankfully, we don’t have to wade into that particular moral quandary. I recently spoke with Elon Musk, and he said that he’s happy to lend NASA the use of his SpaceX rockets in exchange for $69 and 420 Martian employees. I have been made to understand that these are jokes of some kind.
Once the Martians have been brought to Earth, there is so much we will be able to learn from them. Do they need to sleep, or can they work 24 hour shifts? Do they have any downtime after reproducing or can they come straight back to the factory? Can they service an industrial lathe while it’s still running? The mind boggles at the possibilities.
The best part is, the Martians are going to be thrilled to come to Earth. From what we can tell based on art etched onto the walls of the Martian city, Mars was once a green planet filled with flora and fauna; unfortunately, the ancient Martians used up all their resources and destroyed the planet’s ability to support life, forcing the survivors to retreat into their miserable underground lair.
Heh, what a bunch of dopes.