Have you ever been to one of those “Celebration of Life” funeral services where everyone is supposed to focus on celebrating the deceased and telling fun stories about them instead of mourning them? And you’re sitting at a table with a few family members and everyone is really sad and doesn’t quite know what to do, so you say something like, “Man, Uncle Larry really loved Hee-Haw, didn’t he?” And then everyone laughs a little too hard, and then Uncle Larry’s widow laughs WAY too hard, and then she starts crying, and then she gets up from the table and runs to the bathroom, and then no one knows what to do, so you just kind of trail off and say something like, “Yeah man, that Junior Samples … BR-549, am I right?” and then your cousin silently gets up and goes outside to have a smoke?
Well, it’s the July 4th weekend, and it’s time for America’s Celebration of Life!
For the most part, I love the Fourth of July. What other holiday involves grilled meats, day drinking, and explosives? Not Arbor Day, I can tell you that.
But the problem with July 4th is that it’s a time to celebrate America, and for many of us, that’s a bit of a tall order right now. Celebrating America in 2025 is like taking your teenager out for a big birthday dinner the day after he did a bunch of whippets and drove your car through the wall of the police station. It’s behavior that shouldn’t be encouraged and definitely shouldn’t be celebrated.
For those of us who are alternately disappointed in and terrified of our nation, what is there to celebrate? Our Founding Fathers who are currently pulling about 9,000 RPM in their graves? Our Constitution and Bill of Rights, which are being treated like the roll of paper towels at a rib joint? The fact that we spend twice as much as any developed nation on healthcare yet rank among the worst for healthcare outcomes?
I racked my brain to think of a category where the U.S. truly ranks number one in the world, something wonderful and non-partisan that we can all join hands and celebrate this Fourth of July.
And then it hit me:
Salamander diversity.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, if there’s one arena where the U.S. has the rest of the world beat, it’s salamander diversity. If you want to see as many different species of salamanders as you can, you won’t find them crawling out of your cup of tea in Merrie Olde England; you’ll find them right here in the U.S. of A.
There are about 800 living salamander species in the world, and a third of them are found right here in America, mostly in the Appalachian mountains. You know how many salamander species they have in England? Three. Nice going, King Charles. Your country’s longest running TV shows have seven episodes and your country has three salamanders. Maybe you should spend less time eating crumpets and more time learning to count above ten.
There are ten families of salamanders in the world, and you know how many of them we have in the U.S.? Nine! In the mood for a giant salamander? Then grab yourself a hellbender. Do you prefer your salamanders lungless? Yeah, we’ve got ‘em. You can dig up a mole salamander, or find yourself a mudpuppy, or even admire a two-toed amphiuma, the weird cousin of the salamander world. We’ve got ‘em all.
Listen, this country may not have a functional government or an impartial Supreme Court or the smallest amount of respect for 99% of the people living in it, but when it comes to adorable small amphibians that often respirate through their skin, we’re number one, baby.
So this July 4th, I encourage you to join me in celebrating America’s slimy secret strength. They may take away our rights, but they’ll never take away our salamanders.
Unless, of course, our National Parks are liquidated to be sold to the highest bidder, in which case our prime salamander habitats will become data centers to accommodate Facebook users who want to metaphorically light a creek on fire so they can use AI to find out what they would look like with natural makeup.
Anyway, Happy Fourth of July!
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