In what’s widely been regarded as a contentious move, the National Association of Adults (NAA) announced this week that we’ll open presents after coffee.
Jim Patterson, President of the NAA, said that he understands the news may come as a disappointment to some as we rapidly approach the holiday season, but he was unwilling to negotiate.
“C’mon, sport,” Patterson said at a press conference which took place in the kitchen. “Another hour won’t kill you. The presents will still be there after we all have a cup of coffee. Maybe two cups.”
Patterson explained that after eating the turkey dinner grandma prepared, everyone will need a little time to digest their food and relax. Additional extenuating circumstances underscored the importance of delaying the present-opening, he added.
“We haven’t had a chance to talk to Aunt Margaret about the home renovations yet,” he said. “I heard she added a whirlpool tub to the master bath, and everyone is going to want the full review. Also, Uncle Elmer just got that RV and I really want to hear about his vacation to Delaware.”
Billy Chambers, designated spokesperson for the Brotherhood of Gift Enthusiasts (BGE), said that talks between his organization and the NAA are at a standstill.
“I won’t lie, the negotiations have gone pear-shaped,” said Chambers, age 9. “I brought forth several reasonable arguments, but Patterson remains steadfast and unyielding.”
For example, Chambers said, he struggles to see a reason why members of the NAA cannot simultaneously drink coffee and open presents. Furthermore, he said, he fails to see why the members of the BGE must remain in the kitchen during the coffee session and listen to stories that have little application to their lives.
“As a nine year old, a discussion of how Grandpa Bob is navigating his ideal retirement package as weighed against his future Social Security benefits is abstract at best,” Chambers said.
Despite suggestions from Chambers that members of the NAA start the coffee machine before dinner is completed, Patterson said that they will only begin brewing coffee a minimum of ten minutes after the last person has finished eating. Patterson added that the coffee maker in question is an exceedingly slow 5-cup Mr. Coffee drip coffee maker that will need to be refilled at least once in order for everyone to have a cup and three times if everyone wants two cups. Which they will.
“Patterson and his ilk would have you believe that the coffee-enjoying process will take 45 minutes to an hour,” Chambers said. “Past experience suggests the actual length of time will be an hour and a half minimum. Members of my organization have been burned before.”
Chambers added that the NAA is giving no consideration whatsoever to the gifts that could potentially be waiting under the Christmas tree and the importance of opening and enjoying them as soon as possible.
“I have reason to believe that the smaller gift with my name on it is a copy of Donkey Kong for Game Boy,” Chambers said. “My friend told me that you think the whole game is just going to be the same four levels from the arcade game but then it opens up and it turns out there’s about a billion different levels. That is — and I say this from a purely objective and clinical viewpoint — substantially more interesting than anything that has ever taken place in the kitchen.”
“Tests are still inconclusive,” Chambers added, “and we’re still taking measurements, but early reports indicate that the larger box partially concealed by the china hutch could contain a Nintendo 64. If that is the case, any further delay from gift-opening is not merely an inconvenience, but possibly a human rights violation.”
Patterson did not respond to this accusation by press time as he was busy having a beer with Uncle Mike and discussing whether or not Tom Kite would ever win The Masters.
