This past Sunday I watched the last episode of “True Detective: Night Country” on HBO and I had a sudden revelation: anyone can write and direct an expensive prestige drama series. Literally anyone, even that guy who survived having an iron rod blown through his head in a railroad construction accident. Well, I’m literally anyone, and it’s high time I get a big sack of that HBO money.
Please enjoy my pitch for the pilot episode of the next big prestige show you’ll be seeing on your TV soon.
COLD OPEN
We open on a mysterious old woman walking through the woods. Suddenly, she sees a fox emerge from the underbrush. It is wearing a little hat, so the viewer knows that this is no ordinary fox. She watches it run away, and it stops next to a ghost man. The ghost starts dancing to a slow, moody cover of “Sugar, Sugar” by The Archies. When the song ends, the ghost man points to a pile of dirt and disappears. The old woman walks over and begins digging through the dirt, only to find the ghost man’s dead body from before he was a ghost! Can you believe it? I’m hooked already!
TEN MINUTE LONG OPENING CREDITS SEQUENCE
The title of the show flashes on the screen; it is called “Murders in the Dark: Day for Night.” A slow, moody cover of “Love Will Keep Us Together” by Captain and Tennille plays while a series of images flash on the screen; a bloody knife, that fox with the little hat, a ping pong paddle, a spiral ham, a signed headshot of Rodney Dangerfield, etc. It all really sets the mood.
OUR HEROES
We open on our two protagonists driving down the road; they are Alcoholic Detective and Strong Female Character. Alcoholic Detective is a terrible human being ever since his wife was murdered and he turned to drinking. Strong Female Character, meanwhile, is angry all the time. That’s how we know she’s a strong female character.
“I can’t believe there was a mass murder at the nudist colony,” she says angrily. “Looks like we have to clean up another mess.”
“Those dead nudists are the lucky ones,” Alcoholic Detective says. “There’s no point in being alive.”
On the side of the road, they see a two-headed giraffe. A slow, moody cover of “Give Up the Funk” by Parliament starts playing. This probably means something!
Once they arrive at the scene of the crime, they begin examining a big pile of dead nudists. Let me tell you, you won’t believe how nude these folks are. That’s premium cable for ya!
“I think these nudists were murdered, probably by that mysterious cult in town,” Alcoholic Detective says. “Seeing something like this makes me want to drink a bunch of liquor and then take out my barely suppressed rage on someone who doesn’t deserve it.”
“Seeing a bunch of dead bodies doesn’t affect me at all,” Strong Female Character says. “You might have noticed that I’m very tough.”
“Do you have any other interesting character traits?” Alcoholic Detective says.
She punches him in the stomach.
THE SUBPLOT THAT GOES NOWHERE
In a shack somewhere deep in the jungle, we see a man in a tuxedo making a ham sandwich. He goes to squeeze some mustard on it … but BLOOD comes out of the bottle! He turns to the camera and says, “I bet this is about those Murders in the Dark!” A slow, moody cover of Glen Campbell’s “Rhinestone Cowboy” begins to play.
THE MYSTERIOUS GUY WHO’S BRIEFLY INTRODUCED IN THE FIRST EPISODE AND IS ALMOST CERTAINLY THE MURDERER
We see Alcoholic Detective and Strong Female Character pull up at an old factory. They walk inside, and we see that this is a factory that makes sparks.
“Who’s in charge here?” Alcoholic Detective yells. “Somebody better answer fast, I’ve been drinking!”
A mysterious guy walks up to our heroes. He has an eye patch, a hook hand, and a hook foot.
“I been here a long time,” he says mysteriously. “Since before the mountains, I’d wager.”
“Yeah, well, do you know anything about the murder at the nudist colony behind this spark factory?” Strong Female Character says. “Don’t lie to me, I already hate you.”
“Murder?” the mysterious guy says. He shakes his head nervously and tugs at his collar, revealing a giant neck tattoo of an Eye of Horus above a pile of murdered nudists. “Nah, nah, I’ve never even heard of murder.”
“We’re not getting anywhere with this jerk,” Strong Female Character says, casually punching the mysterious guy in the face. “Let’s leave and come back in five or six episodes.”
THE OTHER SUBPLOT THAT GOES NOWHERE
An old woman walks into a building. She approaches a man seated at a desk and places an ancient book in front of him.
“This book belonged to my grandaddy,” she says. “It contains wisdom. The old wisdom, from before the sun and the moon kissed the sky. Sometimes the dead talk to me.”
“Yes ma’am,” the man says. “That’s very nice, but like I told you last time, this a Toyota dealership and I’m not sure what you want from me.”
THE CLIFFHANGER ENDING THAT MAKES YOU WANT TO BINGE THE NEXT EPISODE
Alcoholic Detective and Strong Female Character are driving down the road again. Suddenly, Strong Female Character’s cell phone rings. She answers it.
“What is it, jerk?” she says. “Oh yeah? We’ll be there in five.”
She hangs up the phone. “Alcoholic Detective,” she says, “Turn this car around and drive straight to the laundromat on fifth.”
“Is it a break in the nudist murder case?” he asks. “Did they find a murder weapon?”
“No,” she says ominously. “They found their clothes.”
A slow, moody cover of Wham’s “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” begins to play as we fade to black.
