By BEN R. WILLIAMS
It’s reported that the great journalist H.L. Mencken once said, “No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public,” a quote that even today remains just as devastating as it is completely accurate.
Yes, we live in an age when people believe the moon landing was faked, that Q-Anon is reputable, and that George Soros has designed a microchip that will go into the COVID-19 vaccine and while we’re at it COVID-19 isn’t real either. All of these things are wildly untrue and profoundly stupid, but many people believe them, and other people are making a whole lot of money based on that belief.
I’ve decided to get in on it.
Yes, I think it’s time that I finally got aboard the conspiracy theory train. There’s gold in the streets waiting to be scooped up, and all it takes is a little creativity. That’s why I’m proud to announce several books that I’ll be self-publishing in 2021, each one about a conspiracy theory that I completely made up, each one dumber and therefore more lucrative than the one before it. The complete list of titles follows below. Enjoy!
Moon Madness: An in-depth look at the lunar conspiracy
For decades, many people have believed that the moon landing was faked. But no one has asked the more important question: is the moon even real? In this book, I will explain how the government has lied to us all for years about the so-called “moon,” which is actually just a very large weather balloon in low-Earth orbit. But who’s behind this conspiracy? And who’s controlling the tides? Here’s a hint: his name starts with a “George” and ends with a “Soros!”
Abraham Lie-ncoln: America’s 16th President, or giant hoax?
A six-foot-four giant who always wore a stovepipe hat around? Does that sound like a real guy to you? If you’re a free-thinker, you’ve probably always doubted the existence of “Dishonest Abe.” In this book, I’ll explain that the man we know today as “Abraham Lincoln” was actually three mischievous, Little Rascals-esque children who stood on each other’s shoulders and dressed up in adult clothes in an attempt to sneak into a lewd play, only to find themselves in WAY over their heads! Also, one of the children was a very young George Soros.
Perfect Dangers: The insidious plot behind America’s favorite sitcom
In 1986, the sitcom “Perfect Strangers” debuted. A seemingly innocuous program about midwesterner Larry Appleton being forced to live with — and eventually enjoy the company of — his Mediterranean cousin Balki Bartokomous, “Perfect Strangers” delighted audiences until 1993. But few realized that the program was created by the shadowy Trilateral Commission. Their goal: to normalize the idea of midwesterners living with outlandish immigrants. But who was behind this sinister plot? Take a guess…
Loose Change II: The Fall of the House of Usher
In Edgar Allan Poe’s 1839 short story “The Fall of the House of Usher,” Poe leads us to believe that a mansion cracks in half and collapses just because a guy’s sister was accidentally buried alive or something. Are we really to believe this? Loose Change II offers an in-depth look at the REAL reasons the house fell — reasons the government doesn’t want YOU to know about. And did you know that the words “Edgar Allan Poe George Soros” can be rearranged to spell the phrase “And George Soros, Paella Ogre?” This clearly means something. Just remember: entombed sisters can’t melt steel beams.
Conspiracy Actually: The evil plot that’s sitting on your DVD shelf right now
Released in 2003, the romantic comedy “Love Actually” grossed nearly a quarter billion dollars worldwide and is considered a modern Christmas staple. All this, despite the fact that it’s objectively one of the worst movies ever made! Are we really to believe that anyone would willingly watch this saccharine piece of garbage? In this book, I’ll also delve into a long-lost deleted scene from the film in which Andrew Lincoln’s lovestruck doofus shows Keira Knightley’s character a series of cue cards explaining that the Bilderberg Group is secretly manipulating soybean prices (you will note that one cue card seems to have the initials “G.S.” scribbled at the bottom).
You Aren’t Real: Why you are a conspiracy
Think you’re real? Guess again. In this book, I’ll teach you how to carefully remove the realistic latex mask you’ve worn all your life, only to reveal that you’re actually George Soros.