By BEN R. WILLIAMS
While the 2025 Virginia Gubernatorial election is still several years away — possibly as many as four — I feel it’s never too early to announce your candidacy. Friends, I’m running for Governor of Virginia in the next election.
I have decided to run as an Independent. Why? Because none of the established political parties are brave enough to address the real problem facing the Commonwealth today. From the do-nothing Democrats, to the do-atrocities Republicans, to the do-whatever-you-want-because-you-don’t-believe-other-people-are-real-in-the-same-way-you-are Libertarians, NO ONE is willing to tackle this issue except ME.
Friends, there’s a threat in our schools. From our elementary schools to our high schools, our children are being manipulated. They’re being brainwashed. They’re at risk, and no one is doing anything to stop it.
We all know exactly what the threat is, and we all know what’s at stake. It’s high time someone did something about it.
I’m referring, of course, to the evil invisible robot that lives inside schools.
This robot — which I refer to as “Calculord” — represents a triple threat. First off, it’s evil, which is obviously not ideal. Second, it’s invisible, which is pretty bad given the whole “evil” thing. And third, it brainwashes our schoolchildren into stealing high-end electronics, which it then adds to its terrible mechanical body in order to gain strength. You know why you can’t find a new Xbox or a Playstation 5? That’s right: Calculord.
There’s a saying I use quite a bit. In fact, I’m pretty sure I invented it. That saying is “children are the future.” When you really think about it, it’s true. And call me crazy, but since children are the future, I think it’s important that we do everything within our power to protect them. Anyone who disagrees with any part of my plan clearly hates children.
Once elected Governor, I plan to host endless fundraisers in order to get enough money to build a De-Invisibility Ray, a weapon I have designed which will turn Calculord visible long enough for me to destroy him. I project that building this advanced weapon will cost roughly $500 million, which I will need in a lump sum in a bank account that only I have access to. I also don’t want any oversight on this project. I have a hard time building inventions when people are all the time asking me “What are you doing?” and “How are you spending this money?” and “Why is it necessary to buy a mint-condition triple-white 1971 Cadillac Eldorado convertible in order to build a ray gun?”
Just trust me; it’s necessary.
You might be asking, “Ben, where do you stand on the other issues? What about healthcare, or the rising cost of housing, or police reform?”
To that question, I boldly say: Who cares? I’m a one-issue candidate, my friend. The only thing I’m worried about is the evil invisible robot that’s threatening our children, and you should be worried about it too. What more do you need? Do you hate children or something?
In the days leading up to the election, you’ll probably hear a lot of folks disagreeing with my platform. They’ll probably claim that Calculord isn’t real, and that I made him up, and that there is no evil invisible robot that lives within our school system.
Of course, Critical Race Theory isn’t in our school system either and the threat of it still won Glenn Youngkin the election, so I figure this thing is worth a shot.