Hi team, I want to thank you all for attending today’s meeting.
Well, it was quite an interesting fourth quarter here at Dynamic Paradigms. As you all know, 2023 was our most profitable year yet; if trends continue, we could crack a billion in pure profit in 2024. If that happens, you can rest assured that we’ll be having another pizza party this December, so let’s all put our noses to the grindstone, all right?
We pride ourselves on transparency here at Dynamic Paradigms, so I called this meeting today to tell you about the business consulting firm we hired. A couple of weeks ago, you might have noticed some new faces milling around the office building, and they probably asked you some questions about working here. We brought them in to see if they could find any inefficiencies in our workflow and craft some solutions to increase our productivity.
I’ll be honest, their findings were not at all what I expected. They highlighted three main issues that they believe are causing us to fall a little short of our potential.
The first issue they shared with me was burnout. I guess some of you told them that you’re feeling a little overwhelmed here. Hey, that’s OK. Your honesty is important. And don’t worry, we’ve already bought a foosball table for the break room, so that should take care of that. Remember, your mental health is important.
The second issue was very surprising to me. Apparently, our productivity actually increased while we were all working from home during the height of the pandemic, and it decreased when we came back to the office. I won’t lie, I found that pretty shocking. However, I think we can all agree that our corporate culture is so important to us here at Dynamic Paradigms that it’s worth losing a couple of pennies here and there.
Now, the last point that the consultants brought up is one that I know I’ve heard a few of you gripe about over the years: the Minotaur.
Look: I get it. I really do. Yes, the Minotaur roams the building and occasionally kills and eats people. Yes, the Minotaur is a hideous abomination birthed by Pasiphaë, wife of Minos. Yes, we have all occasionally gotten lost in the Minotaur’s dread basement labyrinth.
But you know, there’s a reason they call it “work.” Every job has its downsides. Back in the ‘70s, I put myself through college by working at a car wash. Let me tell you, I used to hate having to scrub wheels. It was the worst part of the job. But you know what? It was still part of the job, and I did it.
I know the Minotaur can be a bit of a hassle, but he’s also an important part of our company culture. When my father founded this company in 1958, he had two options: he could buy a small building that he estimated the company would outgrow in a decade, or he could buy a much larger building that would allow for constant expansion. As a visionary, he wanted to buy the much larger building, and the only way he could afford it at the time was to buy a property inhabited by a bloodthirsty demigod. If he hadn’t made that bold choice, it’s safe to say that we wouldn’t be sitting in this room today. Do we really want to tarnish his legacy?
Additionally, let us not forget that for decades, every employee of this company had the occasional run-in with the Minotaur. Many of our best men and women lost their lives fighting the Minotaur, and many more of our former employees still carry scars. Really, if we get rid of the Minotaur, doesn’t it do a disservice to all those who suffered under the Minotaur in the past?
Don’t get me wrong, I have no regrets about paying our consultants $75,000 for their detailed report. However, I just don’t feel like they were able to get the full picture of our corporate culture in the month they spent in our office. Also, they seemed pretty distracted after the Minotaur killed and ate their grad student, so they probably weren’t giving our business the attention it deserved.
All in all, while I’m grateful for their insight, I don’t think we need to make any further changes. Here at Dynamic Paradigms, we know what we’re doing.
On an unrelated note, I’m pretty sure I just heard something flip a table in the break room, so I’m going to go ahead and institute a Code M and encourage you all to safely and calmly flee for shelter. Thank you for your time.