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Here’s to Hollywood!

By BEN R. WILLIAMS

For about five years now, I’ve been regularly writing newspaper columns.

While I have a certain fondness for these humor columns, the fact is, it has all been a stepping stone toward my true goal: Becoming a world-famous Hollywood gossip columnist for any number of reputable publications that are routinely purchased while people are waiting in line at the grocery store. 

In these trying times, the people are seeking comfort. They need to know which celebrities are too fat and which celebrities are too skinny, often within the same picture. They need to know if any members of the royal family have eaten a sandwich recently. They need to know if any famous women had the audacity to leave the house without makeup, little realizing that they would be photographed by a guy hiding in a bush while they were going to get their mail.

It’s important work — essential, even — and I’m throwing my hat in the ring. Please enjoy my very first celebrity gossip column, which follows below.

(Also, please note that my celebrity gossip is unfortunately limited to what I’ve witnessed in the area immediately surrounding my house, as I’m currently quarantining.)

ITEM! At noon on Wednesday, a SEDAN was spotted on the road in front of my house! This vehicle stopped in front of my grandma’s house and the driver went inside. Could this have been my grandmother’s CLEANING LADY who arrives at noon every Wednesday? Or could it have been Hollywood stunner SCARLETT “BLACK WIDOW” JOHANSSON? Your secret is safe with me, ScarJo…

A CERTAIN BLUEBIRD seems to be eating an awful lot of bugs just lately! Hasn’t it heard that BIKINI SEASON is coming up?

SPOTTED! While walking through the woods the other day, I found a knife someone had dropped while TRESPASSING ON MY PROPERTY! It was a cheap folding lockback knife with a green handle! Is it merely a coincidence that I found this knife in America … the very same country that PRINCE HARRY and MEGHAN MARKLE just moved to?!? Swing on by when you’re ready to pick up your knife, guys…

The results are IN! Informal polls show that this year’s hot fashion trend is wearing SLEEP PANTS 24 hours a day! Hollywood Fashionista MR. BLACKWELL is reportedly FUMING, even though he’s been DEAD FOR 12 YEARS!

IMAGINE my surprise when I recently saw former defensive back and “Black Caesar” star FRED “THE HAMMER” WILLIAMSON hack a guy up with a MACHETE! It was a great movie. It’s called “VFW” and it’s available on several online video-on-demand services. 

A CERTAIN SOMEONE recently ate all the HARD SALAMI in my REFRIGERATOR. Could it have been MARVEL SUPERSTAR and HUMAN OATMEAL JEREMY RENNER? Or was it ME and I just FORGOT ABOUT IT?

HOT HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP! Apparently they aren’t airing reruns of M*A*S*H on TV anymore! Source: MY DAD!

I recently got the chance to RESTORE A 1972 AMC GREMLIN with “Joe Versus the Volcano” star TOM HANKS, and he let it slip that he’s currently writing SAVING PRIVATE RYAN 2: KILL ALL NAZIS! It was definitely THE CRAZIEST DREAM I’ve had in AWHILE!

SOMETHING came in the dead of night and ate the STALE BAGELS I threw in the hayfield last week! Could it have been that POSSUM I’ve been seeing? Or could it have been “Evening Shade” superstar CHARLES DURNING?

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