NEW YORK, NY — After President Donald Trump spent a large portion of a recent press conference railing against the Whummel, a small tribe of rural Transylvanian nomads, Fox News is reportedly scrambling to find a unifying message to broadcast to their base.
According to Wikipedia, the Whummel are a small population of nomadic Central European people who live in the shadows of Transylvania’s Apuseni Mountains. With a population of just 70 people, the Whummel are almost completely unknown outside of the small villages where they stop to trade their traditional mud dolls in exchange for food and dry goods.
It is currently unclear how Trump learned of their existence.
“The Whummels, folks,” Trump said at a Thursday evening press conference. “Can you believe these people? Totally ungrateful. They come to our country, they take our jobs, they flood our markets with their traditional mud dolls, which, by the way, are no match for the mud dolls our American workers are making, I can tell you that. We’re putting a stop to these vermin.”
“This is a tough one,” said one chain-smoking Fox News employee who spoke on condition of anonymity. “Getting Trump’s base to ignore decades of history and cozy up to Russia was a challenge. Getting the base to turn on Canada … that one came out of left field, but we managed it. The Greenland thing was tough, but we got there. But we’re starting to worry that attacking the Whummel might be a bridge too far.”
“They don’t even have a presence in America,” he added. “They think airplanes are great birds that ferry the dead to a land made of marzipan and pipe tobacco. Convincing Americans that these folks are coming to take their jobs … I just don’t know if we can do it.”
Trump directed particular attention to “Papa” Baraduke Solvalou, leader of the Whummel tribe.
“This Papa Solvalou, folks, what a piece of work,” Trump said at the press conference. “He has no respect for our nation, none. Can someone tell me why we’re sending $80 billion a year to these people? The Second Amendment folks, maybe they can sort that one out, I don’t know.”
In an interview from his meadow hut, Papa Baraduke Solvalou said that his nomadic tribe receives no federal funding from any government, nor do they fully understand what money is.
“I have five goats,” Solvalou said. “They provide cheese which can be traded for fabric. Why trade pieces of paper? You cannot eat them.”
Solvalou said that he has not met Trump nor did he know the man existed prior to last week.
“The Whummel, we keep to ourselves,” he said. “We do not understand why people are angry at us now. I asked our wise man Grobda the Unintelligible if he knew what force was behind this foul work, but his response was not easy to interpret. This is the worst thing to happen to the proud Whummel since the Hill People unleashed the Night of the Harriers.”
While finding the proper messaging to convince middle America that their grievances can be pinned upon a small faction of Central European nomads has been a challenge, early reports from the Southern Poverty Law Center indicate that both awareness of and hatred of the Whummel people is at an all-time high.
“They’re a bunch of socialists is what they are,” said Brad Hughes, slaughterhouse shift manager. “These Whummels think they’re so much better than us, with their mud dolls and their barter economy and their tall hats made from the soft winter grasses. I didn’t know they existed until last Thursday, but I’ve been hating them since long before that.”
“They want to take our jobs and our freedoms,” said Carol Allen, retired brake pad inspector. “I’ve been afraid and angry every moment of my life for the last 25 years, and I’m just glad to finally know who’s behind it.”
The Whummel could not be reached for further comment as they have taken to the Targ Plateau in anticipation of the Cloudy Season.
However, early reports indicate that the spotlight of outrage may soon drift to a new target.
“Trump just announced plans to impose tariffs against old-timey gold prospectors,” our anonymous Fox News source said as he poured Ancient Age bourbon into an Arby’s cup with a shaking hand.
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