By Ben R. Williams
Ladies and gentlemen, our nation is under attack. Across the country, statues celebrating our proud history are being defaced and torn down. Monuments to great Americans like Robert E. Lee, Jefferson Davis, and Nathan Bedford Forrest are being turned to scrap. Sure, some of these figures are controversial, but this is HISTORY! Without these statues, how will we remember our past?
Hi folks, I’m Ben R. Williams, beloved columnist and President of Effigy University, a brand new institution of higher learning that will revolutionize education. Here at Effigy University, we’ve consulted with the nation’s leading historicians and scienticians to develop the world’s first statue-based history curriculum.
Did you know that every single historian has seen a statue at some point? It’s true! We here at Effigy University realize that looking at statues is not only the best way to learn about the past; it’s the ONLY way!
Want to learn about World War II? You’re in luck; we have a statue of the six Marines raising a U.S. flag at Iwo Jima. Want to know all about former President Lyndon Baines Johnson? Just one glance at our LBJ statue and you can tell Robert Caro to take a hike! And of course, our Confederacy statue, which depicts either J.E.B. Stuart or a random soldier depending upon whom you ask, offers a complete course on the history of the Civil War in just seconds!
But Effigy University isn’t only about history. We offer programs in many different disciplines. Any potential math majors out there want to learn about the Pythagorean Theorem? Good news: we’ve got a statue of Pythagoras! Don’t feel like taking multiple semesters of boring physics classics? Check out our statue of Sir Isaac Newton! Interested in becoming an educator yourself? Don’t worry; our statue celebrating the history of statues will teach you everything you need to know!
Of course, many people today are realizing the value and importance of learning a trade. Our comprehensive HVAC course offers a statue of a 3 1/2 ton heat pump, while our electrical engineering course features a statue of a giant light bulb that really lights up at night! This statue is also required coursework for our moth biology program.
I think we can all agree that the traditional college experience just takes way too long. Four years for a bachelor’s degree? Ridiculous! Here at Effigy University, you can complete any one of our programs in mere minutes, and you can complete EVERY program in under an hour!
You see, unlike traditional college campuses, we don’t have a bunch of fancy “lecture halls” and “dormitories” and “bathrooms.” Effigy University instead offers a unique drive-thru experience. Simply arrive at our campus, conveniently located in the parking lot of the former Hills department store at the corner of Munson and Cumberdale, declare your major, and one of our “professors” will direct you to the proper lane, at which point you can drive past any number of deeply informative statues at your own pace.
But how much does it cost, you ask? Unlike traditional colleges, Effigy University won’t charge you an arm and leg; how does $20 per degree sound? If you’re feeling ambitious, try the Poindexter Special: three degrees for just fifty bucks! You can’t beat that with a stick!
Lately, many people have been asking if Effigy University is an accredited institution. That’s an excellent question! My attorney has advised me not to answer it at this time, but it’s excellent.
So come on down to Effigy University, located in the former Hills parking lot at Munson and Cumberdale. We’ve already had hundreds of students graduate and you might bump into one at any time. So just remember: the next time someone tells you that we’ll never remember our past if we knock down our statues, look them square in the eye and say, “Hey! Eff. U!”