My fellow Americans,
Since 2021, it has been my honor to serve as the 86th Attorney General of these great United States. I am proud of the work I have done over these last few years.
Having said that, I realize that my tenure has not been without controversy. Every day, it seems like another opinion piece is written about how I’ve failed to prosecute the former President in a timely fashion. Many choose to lay this blame entirely at my feet, believing that by delaying prosecution until after the election, I allowed the former President to avoid criminal charges due to either incompetence or malice.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am neither incompetent nor malicious. Am I slow? Perhaps. But while the wheels of justice may grind slowly, they grind exceedingly fine. For my part, I have been tasked with bringing charges against a former President whose corruption knows no bounds, who has filled his cabinet corrupt and incompetent hangers-on, and who has perhaps created the greatest and most sensational scandal in the history of American politics.
It should be no surprise that bringing these charges against the man took time, but what others may criticize as slow, I celebrate as thorough.
Having said that, both my supporters and detractors alike will be pleased to hear the announcement that I have for you all today.
Your long wait is over. I, Merrick Garland, am formally bringing charges against former U.S. President Warren G. Harding.
Yes, President Harding and his Interior Secretary Albert Bacon Fall may have believed they had escaped justice for their role in the Teapot Dome Scandal, but nothing gets past Merrick Garland. And of course, I hear the question on all of your lips; rest assured, Navy Secretary Edwin C. Denby isn’t off the hook either.
No man is above the law, not even Warren G. Harding. He might have been able to get away with his terrible handling of the Great Railroad Strike of 1922 and stripping life insurance from our proud World War 1 veterans, but he won’t get away with this.
Furthermore, I am strongly considering filing additional charges against the fat cats at Sinclair Oil and the Pan American Petroleum and Transport Company. Just because they sell the product that keeps our Model T’s purring and our lanterns burning bright doesn’t mean they can sidestep the law.
We all know what went on inside the little green house on K Street, President Harding. Tell George Remus and the rest of the Ohio Gang to watch their backs.
Now the only question that remains is whether or not these charges will stick. While our current President is still in office, I intend to work closely with him to ensure that they do. I realize many people dismiss him as green and inexperienced, but I believe this Georgia peanut farmer has a few tricks up his sleeve.
