By BEN R. WILLIAMS
Hello employees! It’s your favorite human resources director checking in with some exciting news!
First off, I recognize that it’s been a difficult year for us all. Despite our best efforts, the number of vampires has exploded. There are currently more than 700,000 vampires in Romania, with the highest concentration in the Transylvania region, of course. I know we’ve lost a lot of vampire hunters over the last quarter, some to attrition, some to vampirism. We all knew the risks when we started. And hey, more vampires means more job security, right?
It’s nearly become a cliché at this point, but we didn’t take on this job to become rich; we became vampire hunters because we felt it was important work. Children should be able to walk home at night without fear of being snatched up by the living dead. Young maidens should be able to stand in their gardens wearing flowing, gauzy nightgowns without having to worry about being seduced by beast-men. And I think we can all agree that sales of window locks are higher than they should be in a just world.
At the same time, this is a draining career, both mentally and physically. According to the latest survey email I sent out, during the last quarter, 23 of you lost your loved ones to vampirism, and of that number, 17 of you had to drive a stake through their hearts and behead them. That is obviously a traumatic experience, and corporate was more than happy to reach out with a little pick-me-up.
However, when you’ve just had to annihilate a loved one who has become a murderous undead ghoul, a $25 gift card to Applebee’s just isn’t enough to ease the pain. That’s why corporate has decided to offer ALL of our employees a free mental health webinar!
Our statistics have shown that during these trying times, many of you have turned to alcohol to cope with your stress. Others have begun using drugs, and still others have begun dabbling in necromancy. We hope that this free webinar will help ease your burdens.
During the free mental wealth webinar, scheduled for this Thursday at 7 a.m., you’ll learn valuable coping skills such as meditation and simple yoga positions that anyone can do, whether safe at home or while traveling the dreaded Borgo Pass. You’ll also receive a 15-minute presentation about “mindfulness,” which is the state of being conscious. You’ll also be able to share your fears and concerns with a certified mental health professional. Whether you’re worried about putting food on the table, or whether you’re worried about being held in an antechamber within a rambling castle, slowly drained of blood by a count’s inhuman brides until you’re reduced to nothing more than an empty shell to serve as his thrall, our psychologist is ready to hear your concerns.
I really hope that all of you take advantage of this wonderful opportunity that corporate has generously offered. I feel certain it will make all of your lives a little easier.
On a side note, I’ve received a number of questions recently about overtime pay and insurance. Unfortunately, we cannot currently offer either.