By BEN R. WILLIAMS
Hello, it’s me, the mayor of your small Texas town.
All week long, I’ve been reading emails and listening to voicemails from the people of this proud town. Folks have reached out to let me know that they haven’t had power in days. They have no water because all their pipes burst in the freakishly cold weather. They’re sitting in the dark, freezing and hungry, afraid they’re going to die.
Frankly, I’m disgusted.
I’ve never heard such complaining in my life.
Listen folks, no one owes you anything in this world. Just because you’re paying exorbitantly for electricity through our privatized power grid that failed spectacularly, that doesn’t mean you’re “owed” electricity. Does a restaurant owe you a meal just because you ordered and paid for it? Does a contractor owe you a deck just because both parties signed a contract and you gave them money to do it? Of course not. We live in a world of chaos and anarchy where rules have no meaning.
And water! “Boo hoo hoo, I’m out of water, I can’t shower or flush my toilet or drink a life-sustaining fluid!” Well suck it up, buttercup. You know there’s a river in town, right? What do you think is flowing through it? Do I have to spell everything out for you?
“Oh no, Mr. Mayor, I’m hungry and I’m going to freeze to death!” Haven’t you ever seen that movie “Alive” about that rugby team that crashed in the Andes? They were cold and hungry too, but those guys pulled themselves up by their bootstraps, unlike you lazy bums.
I tell you, everyone’s asking for a handout these days. If you want electricity and water, go get it yourself.
Just look at my great-grandpa. Back in his day, he didn’t have electricity, so you know what he did? He went out every day, rubbed a balloon against the family sheep, and then carefully collected the static electricity in a jar. Every night, he would pour half a cup of electricity into the old radio just so the kids could listen to Fibber McGee.
Then when the well ran dry, do you think he just told his wife and kids they weren’t going to drink water anymore? No! He went out to the shed each morning with a needle and thread and stitched Hydrogen atoms to Oxygen atoms until everyone’s thirst was satisfied.
And when he got too old to do all the stuff, you know what he did? That’s right: he died. And good for him. There’s no room in this world for free-loaders.
No one owes anybody anything. What, do you think local government exists to help people? To render the necessary services that are funded by taxpayer money, especially when unforeseen events strike? To make literally anyone’s life better?
No! Here’s the purpose of government: I get to sit in a comfy leather chair behind a big desk and call you names, and you get to take it. Enjoy, sucker.
I’ll tell you the truth, as I sit here in the Cancun Ritz-Carlton, hearing all this pathetic whining is enough to make me choke on my roasted Caribbean lobster and scallop green risotto with Osetra caviar.