CHICAGO, IL — In their newly updated guidelines for stress management and healthy living, the American Association of Medical Professionals (AAMP) broke with tradition by recommending that Americans have a few shots of booze to get by.
Dr. Jerome Thomas, executive director of AAMP, said that changing times require changing medical advice.
“In the past,” Thomas said, “our organization has recommended avoiding excessive alcohol consumption due to the obvious health risks, not to mention the risk of dependency. However, in light of everything going on in the world right now, we think people should just do whatever they can to get through another day.”
From a mental health perspective, Thomas said, the ideal time to have a drink is first thing in the morning while reading or watching the news.
“These days, national and international news does not go down smooth,” he said. “But you know what does? Elijah Craig Small Batch Kentucky bourbon. It’s like a nice cool glass of comforting, competent leadership.”
Of course, drinking on the job can potentially lead to termination. However, Thomas said, those concerns are largely overrated.
“Being in trouble is a fake idea,” Thomas said, pouring himself another drink. “What are they gonna do, send you to Trouble Jail? It’s all made up, man. Debt is an abstract concept and the whole system is going to fall apart sooner or later. Let’s DoorDash some nachos.”
When asked if he had any concerns that increased alcohol consumption would shorten American lifespans, Thomas said he “wouldn’t characterize it as a concern” before referring to this reporter as “Mother (redacted) Cabrini over here.”
Some members of the medical profession disagree with Thomas’ assessment, however, recommending other methods to cope with the stress of modern life.
“I can’t endorse Dr. Thomas’ recommendation to consume alcohol to cope with stress,” said Dr. Lawrence Cohen, also a member of AAMP. “It’s a terrible habit that can lead to crippling addiction and a host of health problems. Instead, when you’re attempting to cope with stressful news, I recommend a refreshing cigarette, followed by a brief reverie about happier times.”
To demonstrate, Dr. Cohen read aloud President Donald Trump’s Easter Sunday tweet regarding the war in Iran.
“‘Open the f***** Strait, you crazy b******, or you’ll be living in Hell,’” he read. “‘Praise be to Allah, President Donald J. Trump.’”
“Good God,” Cohen said, sighing deeply and then lighting a Marlboro Red. “Man. That’s just … you know, back when I was in high school, I used to drive a ’74 Volkswagen Thing. Remember those? My buddies and I, we’d take the doors off, put down the windshield, and just drive around waving at people. We’d laugh and laugh … you know when you’re a kid and you laugh so hard you can’t even catch your breath? I can’t even remember the last time I laughed like that. I wonder if I ever will again.”
Dr. Cohen then announced he “needed a minute” and went to the bathroom for a very long time.
A small but vocal contingent of AAMP recommends neither alcohol nor tobacco, but that Americans should cope with stress through the use of medical marijuana.
“You remember back when that guy got stabbed to death over a Popeye’s spicy chicken sandwich?” said AAMP member Dr. Larry Richardson. “I thought that was crazy, but then I tried one of their spicy chicken sandwiches, and let me tell you man, I could see stabbing someone over that thing. It’s the sauce, I don’t know how they do it. What was the question?”
In related news, the American Association of Entomologists announced this week that they’re launching a study into the rising population of Pocket Moths (Tinea debitella), which are most commonly seen emerging from American wallets at gas stations.
