Hello everyone. I’m afraid I’m not playing a character today; this is serious business. I humbly ask you to please smash that like button.
Since 2008, I’ve been entertaining you and your children with my antics. I’ve played so many characters over the years, from Dr. Hamburger, to Jimmy the Fartin’ Certified Public Accountant, to Arrrr Budd Dwyer the Press Conference Pirate.
But I think we can all agree that America’s favorite character has been Gooby Goober, the peanut butter-obsessed manchild who loves nothing more than talking about nonsense in a high-pitched voice, close-ups, unboxing toys, and you, the viewer.
Lately, however, Gooby Goober’s heart hasn’t been in it when he unboxes tubs of slime and dumps them all over his house. Smearing a jar of Skippy all over his face hasn’t brought him the same joy it used to. And, to be frank, you the viewer bear some responsibility for this.
All of these baseless accusations against me are beginning to take a toll, both on my mental health and my subscription numbers. I guess people just want to believe the worst about others whether it’s true or not. It breaks my heart.
First things first, when I launched Gooby Goober’s Zoo Dooders, all I wanted was to give children the opportunity to spend their parents’ money on cute little digital animals that they could watch romp and play on their tablets. It was perfectly innocent. How was I supposed to know that the developer was actually running a sprawling NFT scam? I’m not a cryptocurrency expert, except maybe when I’m playing my character Crypto Kevin. I promised to refund all $3.7 million that kids spent on their Zoo Dooders, and I’m tired of you people asking where your money is every few months. These things take time. Don’t you trust me?
I’m also tired of all of the rumors about Gooby Goober’s Person Unboxing video. I’ll admit, it was a lapse of judgment on my part, but after doing so many toy unboxing videos over the years and then just happening to be at a cemetery while a closed casket service was happening … well, you can see how the idea came about, and I had to follow my muse. But the idea that I was found guilty of felony corpse defilement is nothing more than a vicious rumor. The charge was ultimately dropped.
Finally, I’d like to address the simply outrageous rumors and accusations that have surfaced since those vultures at 60 Minutes did their little exposé. Just for the record, all of their claims are untrue. I am NOT affiliated with the Thuggee assassin cult, and children who attend my concerts are NOT kidnapped and forced to toil in diamond mines beneath Pankot Palace. Anyone who spreads this rumor is nothing more than a liar who deserves to be obliterated by the Goddess Kali.
Look, I’m just a regular guy who’s trying to entertain children by making silly faces, talking in an annoying voice, and editing videos that don’t have a single clip longer than 1.5 seconds. Am I perfect? No, but who is? My critics claim that I’m some sort of narcissistic monster who only cares about my image and making piles upon piles of money by pandering to an audience of undiscerning children. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Anyway, I’m going to wrap up this apology video because it just hit ten minutes which means YouTube will let me monetize it. Tune in tomorrow for my reaction to my apology video.
