Ladies, gentlemen, and members of the media, thank you for attending today’s press conference.
As many of you no doubt already know, I have served as the President and CEO of Time Safari Inc. since its inception two years ago. Our mission is simple: using advanced wormhole technology, we allow anyone with a taste for adventure and twenty million dollars to travel back in time to the late Cretaceous and shoot a Tyrannosaurus rex. This is the fulfillment of the dream my great-grandfather had when he came to this country many years ago as an angry young man with a strange and traumatic past.
Last Sunday, we opened our time portal for three very important clients: Francis Schwab III, CEO of Applied Dynamic Systems; Errol Kochburn IV, CEO of Systemic Applied Dynamics; and Laurent Aubergine, CEO of Dynamic System Applications.
After receiving their training while we ensured their checks cleared, these three celebrated billionaires stepped through our time portal, high-powered rifles in hand, and ventured into what we call “The Valley of Horror” in order to hunt as many Tyrannosaurs as time allowed.
Unfortunately, an intern, who has since been fired and blacklisted from all future employment, decided that he just couldn’t wait half an hour to make his popcorn. Tragically, the break room microwave tripped the main breaker and the time portal shut instantly.
Over the last several days, our team at Time Safari Inc. has worked tirelessly to locate and rescue these important members of the global community. However, time travel is very complicated, and we keep opening the time portal to the moment that they first entered it rather than the specific moment in time where they currently are. We are currently working with “Back to the Future” writer/director Robert Zemeckis to try to remedy this situation.
I have held this press conference because I want to underscore one very important point:
All of this is in no way funny.
Frankly, I have been shocked by the comments I have seen on social media regarding this tragic and entirely unpreventable situation. Apparently, many people think that if something horrific befalls a billionaire, it’s the funniest thing since Rob Schneider. I assure you, this situation is not comedic.
The dangers that these three men face are very real. In addition to the obvious threat of bloodthirsty dinosaurs, these clients must endure enormously hot and humid weather, possible volcanoes, and enormous nightmare insects. Just because they decided to spend twenty million dollars each to hunt long-extinct super predators against a global backdrop of poverty and suffering, are we to laugh at their very real terror and possible dismemberment?
Please, put yourselves in their shoes. Imagine that you’ve inherited such enormous generational wealth that you legitimately think a cheap pair of shoes costs $1,200, and now you find yourself being carried through the air in the savage claws of a Pterodactyl, no doubt ferrying you to its nest to feed its ravenous young? Imagine that you’re so incredibly wealthy that once bought an original Monet to hang in the bathroom of your third beach house, and now you find yourself trapped in the web of a three-foot-long face-eating spider, your pitiful, mewling cries for help going unheard as you wet yourself in incomprehensible terror? These are soft men, pampered men, men who have never before turned a screwdriver or worked in an environment with sub-par air conditioning, and people are choosing to laugh at their terrible misfortune?
There’s simply nothing funny about any of this.
We maintain hope that our crack team at Time Portals Inc. will be able to recover these three valued clients alive and with their sanity largely intact, but whatever fate should befall them, we ask that you treat them with the respect and dignity that they deserve.
I also wish to announce that in an act of goodwill to celebrate the sacrifices of these three brave men, Time Portals Inc. will be donating 75 cans of pumpkin pie filling to the local food bank.
