By BEN R. WILLIAMS
December is here, and that means the Hallmark Channel is unleashing its Christmas movies upon the world. I realize that most folks don’t have time to watch all 7,483 of these films, so instead, I offer a simple solution: I took the liberty of reading the plot summaries of every single Hallmark Christmas movie ever made and I distilled their essence into one column. I hope it puts you in the Christmas spirit!
A Christmas for Christmas
Candace Cameron Bure walked into her editor’s office. She was a writer for Business Magazine, which was based out of New York City.
“Hello editor,” she said. “I hope you have a lot of work for me, because that’s the only thing in my life that’s important.”
“I have an assignment for you,” the editor said, chomping a cigar while wearing a green visor so that you know he’s an editor. “You’ve been working too hard, so I’m sending you to Winsome Falls, New England. You are to interview Alabaster “Al” Whiteman, a craftsman who makes small artisanal wooden ducks. While there, you will likely be filled with the spirit of Christmas, since it’s almost Christmas. I forgot to establish that earlier but I guess it’s implied.”
“But I’d rather be working hard, especially at Christmas!” Candace Cameron Bure said.
“Yeah, well, the plane ticket is non-refundable.”
Then Candace Cameron Bure got on an airplane.
When Candace Cameron Bure arrived in Winsome Falls, New England, she was struck by how Christmas-y everything looked. There was snow on the ground, and also lights and candy canes and elves and whatnot. She rode a sleigh to the workshop of Al Whiteman and stepped inside.
Al Whiteman was hunched over painting a small wooden duck. His workshop was very clean and well-lit, unlike a real workshop.
“I’m here to write a story about you,” Candace Cameron Bure said, “but I don’t like you because I like hard work too much.”
Al Whiteman smiled in a blandly handsome way. “You’ll change your mind once you get a load of all this Christmas,” he said.
Candace Cameron Bure produced a small notepad and pen. “Let’s get this over with,” she said. “Tell me about what you do for a living.”
“I make small artisanal wooden ducks,” he said, “and based on the size of my workshop and my home, I apparently make $250K a year doing it.”
Candace Cameron Bure grumbled. “I wish I was doing business right now,” she said.
Al Whiteman and Candace Cameron Bure walked down Main Street. Snow was falling and children were building snowmans. They stopped in front of a bakery where a friendly-looking old woman was making apple pies.
“Isn’t it picturesque here?” Al Whiteman said.
“I prefer New York City,” Candace Cameron Bure said. “That’s where all the work and business are.”
“Not to mention traffic, noise, homeless people, and the ethnic!” Al Whiteman replied.
“I guess you’re right,” she said, “but I still love New York, and there’s nothing anyone could say
that would change my mind and make me move here and marry you.”
“Is that so?” said a booming voice. Candace Cameron Bure turned around. It was Santa Claus. And behind him was a guardian angel.
Candace Cameron Bure sat beside Al Whiteman on a couch next to a Christmas tree. She was wearing a green sweater and he was wearing a red one, and they were both drinking mugs of hot chocolate.
“Merry Christmas,” Al Whiteman said to her. “Will you marry me?”
“Of course,” she said. “After what Santa and my guardian angel told me about Christmas, how could I not?”
Al Whiteman smiled. “Good,” he said. “Did you like the small wooden duck I gave you for Christmas?”
“I sure did!” Candace Cameron Bure said. “The only other thing in the world I want is a baby.”
“Is that so?” Al Whiteman said. “Look behind the tree.”
She looked behind the tree. There was a baby there. She picked it up.
“It’s a Christmas baby!” she said. “I wonder what its first words will be?”
The baby looked directly into the camera. “Christmas,” it said, and then winked.