By Ben R. Williams
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Some people dedicate their entire lives to understanding American politics, earning doctorates in history or political science before they feel comfortable offering an informed opinion.
Not Mario Lucas.
Lucas, 38, is the former second shift assistant manager at Jacksonville’s Cosmic Pizza. He holds no titles. He never attended college. He barely graduated high school.
And yet, Lucas’ unique political insight has made him a household name, launching him all the way to the cover of TIME magazine’s “Person of the Year” edition.
It all began, Lucas said, around midnight one fateful Saturday when he and his staff were cleaning up after a long day of slinging pizza.
“A couple of my employees were mopping the kitchen floor and talking politics,” Lucas said. “They were talking about how Trump was destroying the economy and how bad Jeremy (sic) Epstein was and all this stuff, and they said they wished the Democrats would fight back a little harder.”
It was then, Lucas said, that he uttered the words that would completely change our nation’s understanding of politics.
“I said to them, ‘Hey man, both sides are the same,’” Lucas said. “It just came to me, you know?”
Hayleigh Morris, 19, was one of those employees.
“It really surprised me,” she said. “Normally Mario only wants to talk about Marvel movies or show us knives he bought at the flea market. He only ever discusses politics when it relates to video games where you play as an ethnic person.”
“My employees view me as a mentor figure, you know, kind of like Obi-Wan or Gandalf,” Lucas said. “I could tell from their reactions that I really impressed them with my wisdom, so I knew I had to share it with a wider audience.”
That same night, Lucas saw a news article on Facebook about President Donald Trump debating whether or not to nuke Iran. Racing to the comments, he made the post that would launch him to fame and fortune:
“Republicans and Democrats: two wings on the same bird,” he wrote.
Within days, Lucas had been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize and offered a weekly column in the New York Times.
“It’s a message no one had ever heard before,” said NYT Executive Editor Joseph Kahn. “Lucas offered America nothing less than a new lens through which to view the world. An easy, easy lens. And here at the New York Times, we believe that whether you’re a worthless do-nothing Democrat or a noble yet misunderstood Republican, you can relate to Lucas’ message.”
Dr. Daniella Wyatt, a professor of political science at Harvard, said that there are some who are critical of Lucas’ message.
“There are many who claim that Lucas isn’t a genius pundit but is just the latest permutation of the ‘enlightened centrist,’ a smug, cynical, intellectually lazy fence-sitter who has nothing of value to say,” Wyatt said. “I don’t know why you’re still recording, I wasn’t going to add anything else.”
Despite criticism, Lucas’ “Two Wings, Same Bird” college speaking tour remains popular.
“I think people are tired of everyone getting worked up over politics,” Lucas said. “Some say this side is bad, others say that side is bad. But once you recognize that both sides are identical, you don’t have to think about it anymore, and then you’re free to just hang out and do whatever. And isn’t that what’s most important?”
Unfortunately, Lucas’ tour had to be cut short after he was arrested by ICE agents and deported to a country he has not known since he was three months old.
