By Ben R. Williams
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following allegations that Federal Bureau of Investigation Director Kash Patel is a barely functioning alcoholic, Patel announced on Wednesday that President Donald Trump will be sending him to the big farm upstate where disgraced government officials can romp and play.
On April 17, The Atlantic published an article titled “The FBI Director is MIA,” which alleged that Patel is frequently intoxicated while serving as director of the FBI. Additionally, the article alleged that Patel is often absent from work and is deeply paranoid that Trump will fire him from his position, adding that senior members of Trump’s administration are already discussing who will replace Patel.
However, at a press conference on Wednesday, Patel said he was deeply relieved after learning that Trump does not plan to fire him, but instead plans to send him to the big farm upstate, which Trump says is owned by a kindly old man who loves nothing more than the companionship of former members of Trump’s inner circle who have been cast aside due to humiliating public embarrassments.
According to Patel, Trump first sent a member of his circle to the farm in 2017, when former White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci was fired from his position after ten days.
“Everybody probably wonders why Scaramucci just disappeared off the face of the Earth nearly ten years ago,” Patel said. “It turns out that he’s been living his best life at the big farm upstate. He gets to run and play all day, and I’ve been assured that the creeks out that way run brown with bourbon. What an amazing place!”
Patel added that while some doubt the existence of the farm upstate, it’s simply hard to find because it’s deep in the woods.
Patel said that he isn’t the only member of Trump’s cabinet to get a one-way ticket to the big farm; others who have recently been sent there include Attorney General Pam Bondi, Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem, Border Patrol Chief Greg “Li’l Bit” Bovino, and most recently, Labor Secretary Lori Chavez-DeRemer, who resigned following allegations of an affair with a subordinate and drinking on the job.
“We refer to ourselves as ‘Trump’s Liquor Cabinet,’” Patel chuckled. “I can’t wait to see all my friends again at the big farm. The President told me that the old man who owns it makes botox injections out of his canned peaches, and everyone gets as many shots as they want, and it snows cocaine in the winter. I’ve never been so excited!”
Patel said that he had already packed his bag for his trip to the big farm, and that Secretary of War Pete Hegseth was going to drive him there personally just as soon as they could find someone in the White House able to blow into the magic straw that makes Hegseth’s car start.
Patel closed his press conference by admitting he had made some mistakes during his tenure as FBI director.
“You can’t ignore the past, but you also shouldn’t solely focus on it,” Patel said. “That’s why I keep one eye pointed to the past and one toward my bright future.”
Shortly after the press conference, Vice-President JD Vance was spotted in the battered shed behind the White House, somberly loading a shell into his old single-shot twelve gauge.
