POINT — March 14, 2021
Outrageous. Simply outrageous.
I went to get gas the other day, and a gallon of regular was up to $2.75. $2.75! That’s highway robbery is what it is.
Do you know how much it cost to fill up my Dodge Ram? Nearly $64! That’s insane!
Well, we all know who’s fault it is. Sleepy Joe Biden, that’s who. That man hates America and he was sent by the Deep State to destroy it. Did you see how he sniffed that girl’s hair? The man’s some kind of criminal pervert.
I sure didn’t vote for him, but it looks like I’m going to suffer just the same. Two American dollars and seventy-five American cents for a gallon of gasoline! Absolutely unbelievable. That man should be impeached and put in prison. He’s trying to destroy us all with his high gas prices, which he controls directly.
I went ahead and ordered a big roll of those stickers with a picture of Sleepy Joe and a little word bubble that says “I DID THAT,” and I’m going to put one on the pump every time I fill up. It’s Biden’s fault gas is so expensive, plain and simple.
COUNTERPOINT — March 14, 2026
Well hello! I didn’t see step into my study. It’s me, the same guy as before. Care for a snifter of Ragnaud-Sabourin Fontvieille?
You know, the global oil market is constantly in flux, shifting and swirling and reforming like the majestic sand dunes of Huacachina. It might seem simple on the surface, but rest assured, it takes years of study to fully understand the nuanced mechanisms that dictate the price of a barrel of petroleum.
Just the other day, I was playing croquet with Smithereens when he commented that our current kerfuffle in Iran had pushed the price of a gallon of gasoline to $3.15 and rising. I couldn’t help but enjoy a sensible chuckle at his behalf.
“Smithereens, old man!” I said, “I realize that Zimmer of yours burns petrol like Rumpole burns cheroots, but you’re clearly unaware that the U.S. receives only the merest smidgen of its oil through the Strait of Hormuz! Direct your outrage toward simple market fluctuations, old top, and leave the speculation to the experts!”
Needless to say, my man was thoroughly chastened.
Of course, should this Persian conflict be linked to any rising prices at the pump, I consider the trade-off well worth it. Who wouldn’t pay an extra nickel or two to ensure that the Tree of American Freedom remains well-pruned and watered? I often think too many of my countrymen have bought discount dictionaries that lack the word “sacrifice.”
One comment I will not brook, of course, is criticism of our noble and selfless President, who has entered this conflict with no regard for himself; his sole concern is the safety and well-being of citizens both in America and abroad. To accuse President Trump of having any agency over the mild fluctuations of the global petroleum market is patently ridiculous. He is blameless in these matters, and continues to be, both in this country and abroad, a towering avatar representing the very finest qualities that humanity has to offer.
One would be wise to remember that this nation’s greatest asset is its willingness to endure momentary discomfort to serve the greater good.
As for me, I would describe my greatest asset as my steadfast consistency.
