Friends, I hope I can find the words to complete my column this week because I’m still off-kilter and reeling from a recent shock.
It happened this past Saturday. There I was, sitting on the couch and reading the news on my phone, when I saw a headline I thought I would never see:
“U.S., Israel launch joint attack on Iran.”
Ladies and gentlemen, so deep was my shock that my monocle flew off my eye and embedded itself in the wall across from me. My derby hat launched itself straight into the air. My bowtie, once stationary, began spinning like a propeller. Two things were clear: the unimaginable had happened, and also, I would have to cancel my job interview to be Batman’s new butler.
It was absolutely unbelievable. Donald Trump, the President of the United States of America, was attacking IRAN! Iran, of all places!
If there is one thing Donald Trump is known for, it’s his honesty. It’s why even his detractors call him “Honest Don.” So when Trump was on the campaign trail and said that he was going to be the “Peace President” and end wars, I of course took him at his word. After all, this was the same man who, about 15 years ago, Tweeted repeatedly that then-President Barack Obama was going to start a war with Iran to save face because he was a poor negotiator.
Trump — the winner of the FIFA Peace Prize, need I remind you — has consistently made it clear that only idiots like Obama or Kamala Harris would start a war with Iran, and that doing so was an open admission of incompetence.
And now, you mean to tell me that Donald John Trump, paragon of virtue and shining beacon of infallible integrity, has done THE VERY THING that he accused others of doing? Unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable.
And before you even inquire about my flabber, let me assure you, it remains thoroughly gasted.
To make matters worse, Trump entered this war without Congressional approval! That’s not the rule-following President I know. Even his detractors call him “Donny By-The-Books.” Whether it’s the Constitution, Rules of Engagement, or Age of Consent laws, Trump always dots the i’s and crosses the t’s. This simply doesn’t make any sense.
I think what hurts the most is that Trump has violated his oath to the American people. His supporters have been unfailingly loyal to him, and Trump has always, always returned that loyalty. It’s why even his detractors call him “Donny Trueheart.” Trump would never sell someone down the river or throw them under the bus the very moment it’s convenient, not even for a million dollars. He’s a man of principle. To think that he would promise his most ardent supporters that he would keep their children from being sent overseas to fight and then break that promise … well, you think you know a guy.
The biggest surprise of all is that a Republican President would even consider entering the United States into another war. It’s never happened before.
Well, except for George W. Bush getting us involved in the Iraq War in 2003. And George H.W. Bush getting us involved in the Gulf War in 1990. But other than every major international conflict that has occurred within my lifetime, it’s never happened before.
I find myself unmoored. No one, and I mean no one, could have predicted that any of this would happen. There’s simply no precedent, absolutely no series of patterns that could have been used to predict this shocking development.
To make matters even worse, as I write this, the sun appears to be descending toward the horizon and the sky is growing black, which I can only assume means that the Earth is about to be plunged into perpetual darkness until the end of time.
