Hello, I’m Ben R. Williams, CEO of Affordable Hazardous Transport.
If you’re a manufacturer of toxic chemicals, you have a lot of options when it comes to transport. Here at Affordable Hazardous Transport, we know that the most important service we can offer is peace of mind. Specifically, the peace of mind that comes from being able to tell your shareholders that profits have gone up this quarter and will go up again next quarter, and the quarter after that, and the quarter after that, just endless rising profits until the heat death of the universe.
We also know that it’s hard to keep those profit margins rising when your costs are always going up, too. Raw materials get more expensive by the day, and employees keep demanding raises so that they “aren’t making less than they were 20 years ago due to inflation” and “can afford to eat more than one small meal per day.”
We know your needs. And while we may not be the biggest hazardous materials transport company, we promise you that we’re the cheapest. By an extremely wide margin.
How do we do it? Simple!
We have cut every imaginable corner and then we invented new corners for the sole purpose of cutting them.
Do you need to transport hazardous chemicals by rail? Our rail fleet consists of the finest steam engines that the former Soviet Union had to offer. Originally built in Blugoslavia, a cursed country that sank into the Adriatic Sea in 1980, our trains were manufactured to the highest standards that child labor had to offer and run on burning tires. We’ve realized massive cost savings on brakes because our trains don’t have them; instead, they rely on cutting-edge anchor technology and a series of parachutes.
Transporting hazardous waste by river or sea? We’ve got you covered. We recently dredged up the remains of the Confederate ironclad CSS Richmond, and after a little welding and the installation of a lightly used Mercury Marine outboard motor, she’s back in action! The Richmond may not have turned the tides for the Confederacy, but transporting your dangerous chemicals is a “lost cause” everyone can get behind!
How do we keep our costs so low while maintaining a dedicated staff? That’s easy! Much like the plot of the 1977 film “Sorcerer,” we comb South America for burned-out expatriates hiding from extradition, people for whom death means nothing and life is simply a liminal space between a violent past and a hopeless future. Our crack team of haunted, criminal widowers are here to ferry even the most dangerous materials wherever you need them to go; they put the “functional” in “functional alcoholic!”
But what if the worst happens and your deadly chemicals have an “oopsie” on the way to their destination? Don’t worry one bit! Affordable Hazardous Transport has a crack team of damage mitigation experts who will arrive on site and spray the chemicals with garden hoses and/or light them on fire. Next, they will visit every home in the affected area and offer the homeowners a binding contract to sign away their legal right to restitution in exchange for one of those new $50 scratch-off tickets. Any homeowners who aren’t swayed will be offered an additional $50, broken into fives and spread out on a table so it looks like more.
Now, some members of the left-wing media have claimed that Affordable Hazardous Transport is “the worst polluter currently operating in the western hemisphere” and “an existential danger to the future of not only our nation, but the planet itself.”
This simply isn’t true; we’re a green company. For example, I’ve been thinking pretty seriously about buying an electric car. Also, for every new client that signs on with us, we plant a tree. You can see them for yourself at the Affordable Hazardous Transport Christmas Tree Farm and Slag Refinery.
We realize that as a producer of hazardous materials, you’re constantly having to balance the shareholders’ desires against the demands of whining, tree-hugging moral crusaders. All we can ask is that as you make your decision, remember our slogan:
“Don’t just do what’s right; do what’s right for you.” (TM)
