WASHINGTON, D.C. — Just days after announcing that incriminating files belonging to the late financier and child sex offender Jeffrey Epstein did not exist, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt announced Tuesday that Epstein himself never actually existed.
According to Leavitt, Attorney General Pam Bondi has determined that Epstein, who died in 2019 in police custody in what was ruled a suicide but many believe to be a murder, was actually a figment of the collective American imagination.
“The liberal media would have you believe that this so-called ‘Jeffrey Epstein’ was a magical millionaire who flew wealthy elites all over the globe so that they could commit sex crimes against children,” Leavitt said. “It just shows how sick the left is to even imagine such a thing.”
When asked about the dozens of photos of President Donald Trump interacting with Epstein at parties, Leavitt said the man pictured was not Epstein but actually a Presbyterian minister named Amity Goodfellow who was helping Trump attain a deeper understanding of his faith through lectures and quiet meditation.
“Yeah, yeah, that’s the ticket,” Leavitt said. “But you wouldn’t know him, he goes to a different school three towns over.”
United States Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. described Epstein as a “mass hallucination” triggered by additives and processed food.
“This is what happens when you put fluoride in the water supply, stop eating horse organs, and go to the doctor occasionally,” Kennedy said. “I walk down the street every day and see so many deeply unhealthy people. Their faces are smooth and unlined, not haggard and creviced with good health. Their voices lack the reedy warble that comes from balanced humors in the bloodstream. Seldom do I ever see them eating a raw pig bladder. It’s enough to make me wonder if I’M the crazy one. But that seems unlikely.”
Vice-President JD Vance, who had previously said on record that he couldn’t wait to “clean up D.C.” by “releasing the Epstein client list,” said Tuesday that Epstein never existed and that this was a classic example of the media twisting his words.
“I’m so tired of the liberal media constantly taking statements I have made in the past and comparing them to statements I make in the present,” he said. “These people will stop at nothing to make it seem as though I’m a hypocrite. It’s a classic example of reverse hypocrisy, and if you ask me to elaborate on that, I WILL be deeply condescending in my response.”
A small number of voices on the left have also thrown their weight behind the revelation that Epstein was fictitious.
“All’s well that ends well,” said former President Bill Clinton, wiping a handkerchief across his sweating brow. “Now, let us never speak of this again.”
Meanwhile, former socialite and Epstein associate Ghislaine Maxwell continues to serve a 20 year prison sentence for trafficking no one to nobody.
