By BEN R. WILLIAMS
Everyone’s favorite holiday is almost here: President Donald J. Trump Presents Christmas (formerly known as Christmas). If you’re looking for a few stocking stuffers for your favorite patriotic child, look no further than the Official White House Christmas Wishlist!
The Democrats have constantly been whining about “affordability,” a very old word that no one uses anymore, much like “groceries” and “hope.” But we think you’ll find that the items on this list are not only affordable, they’re Donald J. Trump Presents Affordable!
A sock full of oranges and walnuts — $15.99
The Greatest Generation is famous for fighting the Nazis on the European front during World War II. Don’t hold that against them, though; they also fought desegregation.
How did the Greatest Generation become so great? Maybe it all started when they were children! Now your children can experience the same wonderful Christmas morning that your grandparents did by opening up a stocking full of oranges and walnuts, the most exciting gift that 1932 had to offer! For an extra $19.99, we’ll include an unpainted wooden train car whittled by a man haunted by the things he did during the war.
Mar-a-Lago Barbie — $27.99
What do Kristi Noem, Kimberly Guilfoyle, Laura Loomer, and Barbie all have in common? They all know that just because you’re stoking fears about the immigrant menace, it doesn’t mean you can’t look good in the process!
You might have thought Barbie was feminine before, but wait until you see her all dolled up like a drag queen doing a show based around a mob wife re-enacting The Birth of a Nation! With her smoky eyes, fake lashes, contoured jaw, and porcelain veneers, this is one Barbie that has all the qualifications to get a spot in Trump’s inner circle!
Mar-A-Lago Barbie comes with lip filler syringes, two bottles of Xanax, and a replica Springfield AR-15 chambered in 5.56 NATO.
Lump of coal — $2.99
For years, America has been under threat by a bearded Communist affiliated with the color red. No, not Karl Marx; Santa Claus. For too long, Santa has been giving naughty children coal as some form of punishment, sullying the good name of this fine American product.
But what child in their right mind would consider it a punishment to receive coal? It’s the future of American energy! Celebrate coal’s joyous future by giving your future miner a lump of coal in their stocking!
NUCOR Steel T-post for agricultural applications — $14.00
“Wah wah wah, the President’s tariffs have made everything too expensive!” Shut up, ugly. There are plenty of American products that have been made more affordable by Trump’s tariffs, such as the fun and attractive T-post from NUCOR Steel, suitable for all of your child’s agricultural or industrial applications.
Manufactured right in The Happiest Place on Earth — Plymouth, Utah — your child will delight in this tightly-engineered specialty steel product. Whether painted or unpainted, these steel T-posts will provide hours of fun and whimsy, and are also manufactured to meet the ASTM A702 specification.
Watch chain — $21.00
Does your child need a new chain for his family heirloom pocket watch that would be the envy of King Solomon himself? Simply sell your beautiful hair that would depreciate the Queen of Sheba’s jewels and buy him this affordable platinum fob chain!
