By BEN R. WILLIAMS
There are some folks out there who would have you believe that gas prices fluctuate based on a wide variety of factors.
They say that gas prices are based on the laws of supply and demand, and that issues in the supply chain can cause prices to spike because it’s more difficult to move crude oil to refineries or distribute refined gasoline.
They say that oil companies are making record profits and high fuel prices are largely the result of corporate greed. They also say that prices vary depending on the season and the level of demand. They even say that the canceled Keystone XL pipeline was never intended to lower gas prices in America, but rather to bring Canadian crude oil into the U.S. so it could be refined and sold overseas, the profits of which would only have been to the benefit of oil companies and the politicians in their pockets.
However, I don’t need a whole bunch of facts; I know what I feel. And I feel the answer is much simpler.
If history has proven anything, it’s that seemingly complex situations always have a straightforward explanation. From the origins of World War I, to the true identity of Jack the Ripper, to the film “Rashomon,” there’s always an elegant, simple explanation that everyone can agree on. The same is true with gas prices.
And that is why I’m here today to tell you about The Lever Theory.
Few people know this, but somewhere on Theodore Roosevelt Island in the middle of the Potomac River, there is a small and unassuming brick building. If you step inside, you will be greeted by an elevator; there are no buttons, only a keyhole next to it. But if you happen to be the one person on Earth with the right key, you can ride that elevator 500 feet down, whereupon it opens onto a room made of polished marble.
In the center of that room lies the Presidential Gas Price Lever.
It’s a beautiful lever made from the finest gold, its handle wrapped in rich Corinthian leather. Etched into the floor at the lever’s base are two words: “CHEAP” on one side, “EXPENSIVE” on the other.
When the President — whom you may have guessed by now is the only one with the special key to gain access to this secret chamber — pulls upon the lever, gears mounted on the walls begin spinning crazily, and somewhere deep within the Earth, a steam whistle screams. By the time the President has returned topside, the damage has been done. His aides inform him of how much the price of gas has risen, or — more rarely — how much it has fallen.
What’s most remarkable about the Presidential Gas Price Lever is that it doesn’t just affect gas prices in the U.S.; it raises gas prices across the entire world! I’m not sure how this is possible, but my guess is that it has something to do with all those crazy spinning gears.
Many have wondered why the President so often uses the lever to raise gas prices when it brings him no benefit. Sometimes Presidents even raise gas prices when they’re most in need of support, struggling in the polls and hoping to win re-election. It’s a hard question to answer, but I guess when you see that big, beautiful lever staring at you, you just can’t help but pull it.
Of course, many people don’t believe in the Presidential Gas Price Lever. They insist that the President has little impact on gas prices. They say that I’m making this whole thing up, and that when I put little stickers depicting the President pulling on a golden lever while shouting “I did this!” on gas pumps, I’m “ignorant” and “committing vandalism” and “making a gas station employee’s life harder.”
I don’t believe it. They’re probably in the pockets of Big Lever themselves.
You know, Isaac Asimov was a smart man with impressive sideburns. He once said the following:
“There is a cult of ignorance in the United States, and there has always been. The strain of anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that ‘my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.’”
Reading that quote today, you would almost think that Asimov was speaking directly to all the lever-doubters out there.
