Well ladies and gentlemen, it seems that decorum has gone out the window. You can kiss politeness and civility goodbye. While you’re at it, say sayonara to gentility and geniality, and don’t get too attached to esprit de corps, either.
Yes, it’s a new day in America, a crueler, more mean-spirited era. All the things we used to value — maintaining the status quo, looking the other way, taking it — have just been lit on fire and burned to the ground while a bunch of smug jerks dance around the ashes.
There’s no point in beating around the bush. You’ve surely heard the news I’m referring to.
That’s right: Avaricio, the robot that eats children and turns them into money, has been shot and killed.
You would think that’s bad enough, but the story gets worse. People are celebrating Avaricio’s demise! They don’t care that this robot was gunned down as it was attempting to snake one of its extendable claw arms into a hospital nursery. They think it’s all just a big laugh! These are sick people.
Now listen: I don’t necessarily agree with everything that Avaricio did. I’m not the biggest fan of a cold, unfeeling robot scooping innocent screaming children into its cruel steel jaws and then alchemically converting them into stacks of $100 bills. But I’ve always been taught that when someone dies, be they human or robot, you should never, ever take even a single moment to question whether their death represents a net positive to humanity, nor should you ever say a single bad word about them ever again.
I didn’t come here today to think critically about Avaricio; I came here to cluck my tongue at those that did.
Did you ever stop to think that Avaricio was programmed to eat children and turn them into money? He was just following orders! What, are we going to execute everyone who did something horrible because they were following orders? We’re not Nazis.
If people had a problem with Avaricio, the robot that eats children and turns them into money, they should have found a different way to protest. They could have stood quietly on a sidewalk somewhere holding a sign, or changed their Facebook profile photo to a black background, or thrown soup on the protective plexiglass shield covering a famous painting. But instead, someone took an action that resulted in actual consequences, and that’s something that can never be taken back.
But rest assured, the person who killed Avaricio will be caught. This isn’t going to be like one of those dime a dozen child disappearances we’ve been experiencing lately; we’re going to put some real resources behind this manhunt. Law enforcement won’t rest until Avaricio’s killer has been brought to justice. Already, the FBI believes they have a suspect: a man with nothing to lose whose loved one was eaten by Avaricio. This has narrowed the field down to a scant 47,385 suspects, and it’ll be no time at all before he’s brought to justice.
In the meantime, I hope everyone out there can show just a shred of human decency. This isn’t funny; it’s a tragedy.
Frankly, all this animosity aimed at this child-eating robot is inhuman.
