Back in the ‘80s when I was a tiny child, my parents opened a savings account for me. Over the years, I’ve added money to this account and taken money out of it, but it’s been awhile since I last touched it.
Just last week, I got a letter in the mail from the bank. It said that my savings account had been inactive for two years and I needed to sign the enclosed letter and mail it back so they would know I was still interested in my money. Otherwise, per state law, the government of Virginia would begin taking money out of the account every month until such a time as there is no more money to take.
I went to the bank on my lunch break and presented my signed letter to the teller. She asked me if I wanted to deposit a dollar into my account; the letter, she said, was not enough to let the government know I still wanted my money. Being a high roller, I gave her two dollars.
As I walked back to my car, I found myself reflecting on our state and federal government.
My paycheck is taxed. My property is taxed. My car is taxed. I once got a bonus from the state that was taxed, and that bonus was presumably paid for with taxpayer money, so even my taxes have been taxed.
Now, I’m not one of these sovereign citizen lunatics who don’t believe in paying taxes and think they’re immune to traffic laws if they say they’re “traveling” and not “driving,” a strategy that has never once worked in a court of law. I’m not opposed to paying taxes. Taxes are very useful. I like to have paved roads and fire departments. It’s all the other stuff I’m displeased with, like paying for drones that make children abroad fear the sky or paying for a police officer to go on paid leave because an acorn fell near him and he unloaded 40 rounds into a passing jogger.
Every time I pay my taxes in April, I think to myself, “if I were paying this kind of money to a private industry and they provided this level of service, I would sue them, and I would win.”
And against this backdrop, I get told that if I don’t put a dollar in my savings account to let the government know I still want my money, they’ll just come in and start taking it.
It’s not about the dollar. It’s about the fact that the government can’t even wait until I’m infirm or dead before they start trying to seize my assets.
We need some respite in this country. We need some relief. But where will that relief come from?
Thankfully, I have a brilliant plan.
Fact 1: In recent years, the federal government has collected about five trillion annually in taxpayer money. If we were to divide that amount by 365, we arrive at about $13.6 billion dollars per day.
Fact 2: Apple is worth about $3.5 trillion, Microsoft is worth about the same, Coca-Cola is worth about $272 billion, and PepsiCo is worth $226 billion.
The solution: we should let major multibillion dollar corporations pay to sponsor our nation for a day. On those days, Americans don’t have to pay a single cent in taxes.
What would this look like?
Let’s say PepsiCo decides to get in on this plan to promote a new product from one of the dozens of companies beneath their umbrella. After they pay their $13.6 billion, the federal government will announce that August 8th is no longer just some Thursday; it’s Rold Gold Pretzels® Presents Thursday, August 8th!
When that day arrives, the President will make an important announcement to all Americans. He will say that after much deliberation, he has realized that Rold Gold® Tiny Twists Cheddar are the only pretzels that have the cheesy crunch that truly satisfies. Between the one-of-a-kind flavor and crispy texture, these pretzels are going to take your snacking to a whole new level. Also, we’re at war with Iran.
But what’s the benefit to PepsiCo of dumping $13.6 billion into our federal government? Well, I’ll tell you this much: if Rold Gold Pretzels® paid my taxes for a day, I would never again find myself reaching for a bag of pretzels from those goldbrickers over at Snyder’s of Hanover. I’d be a Rold Gold Man® for life.
Now, I can hear some of you out there saying that my plan seems like a nightmare scenario from some dystopian science fiction movie where corporations run the government.
I would counter that we’re already living in a nightmare dystopia where corporations run the government, so we should at least get weird with it and try to have a little fun.
