NEW YORK, NY — In a turn of events that legal scholars are calling “utterly unprecedented,” a powerful, wealthy man experienced a consequence this week.
Dunston Thurber IV, President and CEO of Applied Dynamic Paradigms, was sentenced to ten years in prison on Tuesday. Thurber had previously been found guilty of insider trading, multiple counts of falsification of business records, and hunting the homeless for sport.
“Of course we’re appealing,” said Jason Kelly, Thurber’s legal counsel. “The judge’s verdict in this case is evidence enough that she did not have all the facts. She is clearly not aware that my client is both profoundly wealthy and also quite influential. We were prepared for a substantial fine, perhaps some community service, but a ten-year prison sentence simply does not align with sentencing for other individuals in Mr. Thurber’s position.”
While awaiting his appeal, Thurber has been remanded in custody at FCI Otisville Medium-Security Federal Prison in Otisville, New York. While there, it is highly unlikely that he will be able to obtain any champagne that was not been fermented in a toilet, nor will he be able to make $3.1 million per year while drifting in and out of consciousness at a desk.
“Frankly, I’m unmoored,” said legal scholar Dr. Joseph Roca. “I’ve been studying the legal system for nearly 40 years, and I’ve never seen anything like this. A sentence like this, you’d assume Dunston Thurber was poor, or a minority of some kind. That’s simply not the case. We’re in uncharted waters here.”
Roca explained that Thurber’s sentence sets a dangerous precedent.
“It’s a slippery slope,” Roca said. “Take me, for example. I’m currently a college professor making $42,000 per year. But that’s only temporary; one day, I’m going to be an extraordinarily wealthy and powerful man. Once that happens, it’s entirely possible that I’ll engage in insider trading and falsify a bunch of business records, and probably also murder homeless people in order to feel something. If I can’t do all that without facing consequences, then what’s the point of being rich and powerful?”
“This is going to be absolutely devastating to the smoking hot supermodel wife I’m eventually going to have,” added Roca.
In an interview from prison, Thurber said that the entire situation has left him deeply confused.
“I keep trying to get out of this weird room, but the door is locked,” said Thurber, impotently rattling the bars of his prison cell. “The guard told me I’m being punished because I’ve hurt people. I know all of those words, but I don’t understand what they mean in that order. I just hope I can get out of here before the Belmont Stakes. I’m supposed to be sharing the premium suite with Elon Musk.”
Fortunately for Thurber, he has a powerful advocate: Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, who has gone on record as saying that he hopes Thurber’s case will come before the highest court in the land.
“A man in Mr. Thurber’s position should be free to do whatever he likes, whether it’s selling stocks or receiving an extraordinarily expensive RV as a bribe, to pick a random example,” Thomas said. “This is simply wrong. I sometimes feel like there’s a cancer in this country, a malignant force that’s eating the soul of our nation from the inside out. I just wish I could figure out what it is.”
In related news, after learning of Thurber’s imprisonment while entering the courtroom today, former President Donald Trump reportedly tugged at his collar in an exaggerated fashion and made a Charles Nelson Reilly-esque noise of apprehension.
