SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Amazon founder and multibillionaire Jeff Bezos has dropped from his position as the third richest man in the world following a trip to the grocery store last Monday.
Bezos, who now has a net worth of zero, offered an interview from a soiled piece of cardboard down by the docks. He currently makes a meager living by dancing sprightly jigs for sailors in exchange for drinking money.
“It all happened so fast,” Bezos said. “My head is still spinning.”
It all began, Bezos said, when he decided to take a trip to the grocery store.
“I fired up my Lamborghini Veneno Roadster and headed down to Ralph’s,” Bezos said. “It had been years since I’d done my own shopping. I thought it might be a fun lark. What a fool I was.”
Once inside the store, Bezos said, he was overcome with the options presented to him.
“They had four different kinds of apples,” he said. “Can you imagine it? Well, I had to get one of each. How could you pass on something like that?”
As he delved deeper into the store, Bezos couldn’t believe his eyes.
“They had Italian sausage, Greek salad, German chocolate cake, and even French fries!” Bezos said. “I felt like I was traveling the world, all from the comfort of my local supermarket. I just kept adding food to my shopping cart.”
When Bezos finally approached the checkout, he said, his shopping cart was almost full.
“It was at least 3/4 full,” he said. “I had no idea at the time how reckless I was being.”
After ringing up his groceries, the shocked store employee took Bezos’ credit card, charged it, and then handed him his receipt.
Bezos said that he was halfway home when his accountant called him.
“He said to me, ‘My God, Jeff, what have you done? You didn’t go to the grocery store did you?’ I told him I had, and he began to weep. He told me to pull over and look at my receipt. There it was in black and white: $180 billion.”
“I shouldn’t have gotten the chips,” Bezos said, shaking his head. “But they were sour cream and cheddar! And they were ruffled! I’m not made of stone!”
Bezos immediately made plans to sell one of his many homes to put his accounts back in the black, but then tragedy struck.
“A block from home, my car got a flat tire,” Bezos said. “I knew then it was all over. I would never financially recover.”
Bezos isn’t the only multibillionaire to recently suffer a major financial hit. Berkshire Hathaway magnate Warren Buffett is now on government assistance after purchasing a 2017 Honda Accord, while Elon Musk has begun mowing lawns in his neighborhood after purchasing Twitter and a new sectional sofa.
“It’s hard out there,” Bezos said. “Someone needs to do something about this rampant greedflation. We just need to figure out who that someone is.”
In one last desperate attempt to make ends meet, Bezos recently took a job at an Amazon warehouse.
“It’s abominable,” Bezos said, wiping away tears. “It’s no way to treat an animal, much less a man.”
