CINCINNATI, OH — Insiders are saying that Republican Vice-Presidential Candidate JD Vance is “troubled” after discovering several pallets of “Hang JD Vance” T-shirts in the basement of the Republican National Convention’s Washington D.C. headquarters.
“I can tell JD is concerned,” said an insider who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “He knows he’s not the most popular person in the world right now. In fact, polls currently show that he’s the least popular vice-presidential candidate in modern American history, less popular than even Sarah Palin, which is kind of impressive. So naturally, seeing several pallets of T-shirts that seem to advocate for his death is worrying.”
When Vance inquired about the T-shirts, he was reportedly told that they were a worst-case contingency and that the RNC had also ordered several pallets of “Hooray JD Vance!” T-shirts. If that is the case, however, those shirts have yet to arrive.
“What I think worries Vance,” the insider said, “is that he’s thinking if (former President Donald) Trump doesn’t get elected, the entire Republican apparatus is going to place the blame squarely on his shoulders. And it does make some sense. Right now, JD is polling pretty terribly among women. And also, minorities. And urban voters. And rural voters, of course, since they think he’s a fraud. Most voters who are unemployed hate him, but not as much as voters who are gainfully employed. Piano tuners REALLY seem to despise him, we haven’t been able to figure out that connection yet. But he does poll well with several members of his family. Almost half.”
When asked about the shirts, current RNC chair Michael Whatley said they were “nothing to worry about.”
“If we don’t win this election, there are absolutely no plans currently in place to build another giant gallows outside of the Capitol on January 6, 2025,” he said. “And even if there were, there are currently no plans to use it to publicly execute JD. And even if there were, we certainly wouldn’t take advantage of the fundraising opportunity by selling ‘Hang JD Vance’ T-shirts for $25 apiece, or two for $45.”
“Yes, that’ll do,” he then muttered to himself.
“I don’t think it’s too late for JD to turn this ship around,” our insider continued. “Right now, he has a reputation for being strange and unlikable, someone with negative charisma. He comes across like a being from another dimension that is struggling to appear human. All he needs to do is fundamentally reinvent who he is as a person. That’s just one thing, it can’t be that hard.”
However, in recent interviews, Vance has denied that he’s unlikable.
“Just the other night,” Vance told Fox News, “I was having dinner with my wife, whom I love dearly despite her racial handicap. I asked her, ‘Do you think I’m unlikable?’ I couldn’t hear her response because one of my kids was jabbering about Pokemon or something. Anyway, I can’t remember where I was going with this, but I believe childless women should be forced to mine cobalt.”
Ultimately, our insider said, he doesn’t believe Vance has cause for concern.
“However this election pans out, I don’t think JD needs to worry,” he said. “It’s unimaginable to me that the RNC — that anyone, for that matter — would ever throw another human being under the bus just because it’s expedient to do so.”
Vance, who rose to fame after writing a book about his alcoholic drug-addicted mother, could not be reached for comment.
I would love to know your source for this article. all my research can’t come up with anything to support these “facts” you claim are said by Michael Whatley.