Move over, Millennials! There’s a hot new trend in town, and this one’s just for seniors!
Inspired by the brilliant speaking style of former President Donald Trump, seniors across the nation are trying out The Weave.
According to an actual interview with Trump, he said, “I’ll do The Weave. You know what The Weave is? I’ll talk about, like, nine different things and they all come back brilliantly together. And it’s like friends of mine that are English professors, they say, ‘It’s the most brilliant thing I’ve ever seen.’”
So how does The Weave work? We asked Weave expert Dr. Silas Jeffcoat, retired professor of linguistics at Harvard University. Considered one of Harvard’s most respected professors from the beginning of his tenure in 1948 all the way up to his 1994 retirement, Jeffcoat currently resides at Peaceful Acres Nursing Home in Belmont, Massachusetts.
After being plied with a promise of an extra sugar-free chocolate pudding cup, Jeffcoat agreed to demonstrate The Weave.
“The Weave?” Jeffcoat said. “Yes, yes. The Weave is … is that a dog over there? Oh, that’s my shoe. There’s a fellow who brings a dog by every other week, so I was wondering. I was talking to Mitch about The Weave. We were watching Bonanza. It was that one where Hoss finds the leprechauns and their treasure but it turns out to just be a bunch of circus midgets. What do you mean I can’t say that, what do you call ‘em? You can’t say anything anymore. Everybody gets offended at the drop of a hat, just like that heavyset boy who steals my puzzles. I don’t understand. Used to be you could smoke a cigarette in the A&P. You ever read that story by John Irving? No, John Updike, that’s right. That boy quits his job for the girls but the girls don’t even care. That John Irving sure could write. I got a drink with him once, and then I got in a fistfight with Ernest Hemingway. He had stolen my sandwich, I think that’s where he got the idea for ‘A Moveable Feast.’ Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh, The Weave. Well, I’ve been bald as a cueball since ’68, but I’d consider one. That was a stressful year. I wonder what RFK’s boy is up to these days? Always was an odd duck, that one. You know, we have a duck pond out back. I can’t go out there anymore, the doctors say I have the weak blood. They won’t give me any paregoric, they keep saying they don’t make it anymore. That’s crazy, I just bought some at Revco last week. Hey, is that a dog over there? Oh, it’s that shoe again. What were we talking about? The Weeds? Well, I don’t pull weeds anymore. I haven’t been able to kneel since 2007. The doctors say I can’t bow anymore either, it could cause skeleton failure. I’ll be in real trouble if I ever meet the Queen. Wait, she WHAT?”
Following his explanation of The Weave, Jeffcoat then demonstrated the other hot new trend inspired by former President Trump: becoming confused and agitated when the sun sets.
