WASHINGTON, D.C. — Chaos erupted in the halls of Congress this week when Republican Representative George Santos was accidentally revealed to be an ancient Sumerian warlock.
According to witnesses, the situation unfolded when a Congressional intern began choking on a peanut. While attempting to call for help, the intern made a strangled barking noise that sounded like the phrase “Gebre Kahomet.” Upon hearing these words, Santos screamed “Who told you?” and then transformed into a hideous wizard in a flowing blood-red robe.
Dr. Jeff Friedman, a professor at Harvard University and expert in Mesopotamian history, explains:
“There are historical records of a Sumerian warlock named Gebre Kahomet,” Friedman said, “although his existence was always assumed to be a myth. With the benefit of hindsight, it all makes sense. Kahomet was described as a shape-shifting trickster and a ‘king of lies’ utterly incapable of telling the truth.”
Hated and despised in his native land, Friedman said, this warlock would assume the form of a human, his true nature only revealed when his name was spoken.
“According to the legends, Kahomet’s human disguise always felt off,” Friedman said. “This is a rough translation, of course, but the disguise was often referred to as ‘the uncanny lad,’ or ‘the wax elf,’ or ‘the shiny boy.’ His very appearance filled people with a sense of confusion and dread.”
Speaking on the condition of anonymity, one of Santos’ fellow Republican Congressmen said he “was not surprised” to learn that his colleague was an ageless warlock.
“This is a guy who used donor money to buy designer clothing, who lied to Congress, who lied about where he went to high school and college, who has a large amount of money and no one knows where it came from, who swindled a disabled veteran out of his pet dog, who lied about his mother being in the South Tower on 9/11, who lied about his grandmother being a Holocaust survivor, who lied about being a producer of Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark, and who may or may not be a Brazilian drag queen,” the anonymous source said. “Frankly, it makes sense that he’s actually a deranged immortal magician. The crazy thing would be if he were a real human being.”
Santos’ transformation into an agent of dark chaos has sparked a media frenzy. Within hours, Fox News ran an article titled “Santos’ age in question,” while the New York Times published an article titled “Why George Santos actually being an ancient Sumerian demigod is bad news for Biden.”
For his part, Santos/Kahomet has declined interviews but did issue a statement which appeared in the nightmares of all humans on the evening of Nov. 20.
“At my nativity, the great frame of the Heavens shook with terror!” he said telepathically. “At my expiry, the rivers will flow with blood and the seas will birth horrors beyond mortal comprehension! Time is an illusion and death is a mirror; I will teach this blighted nation the true name of fear!”
“He’s still got my vote,” said Edna Brock, a member of New York’s 3rd Congressional District and previous Santos supporter. “He may be some kind of evil monsterman, but what else am I going to do? Vote Democrat?”
