By BEN R. WILLIAMS
Um, excuse me? Hello? Mr. Mayor, I’d like a chance to speak to the city council, please.
Thank you.
I moved to this city because I love the coast. I love the beaches, the feeling of the waves washing over my toes. I also love this country, and up until recently, I thought this city loved America, too.
Unfortunately, Mr. Hot Shot over here from the so-called Office of Civilian Defense just proved that I might as well be living in a gulag with the Soviets.
Let me get this straight, Mr. Hot Shot: you’re telling me that until this war is over, I have to cover up my windows at night? That I can’t turn on every light in my house and run all my appliances when its dark out? That if I want to exercise my God-given American right to go out and aim a spotlight directly into the night sky, I’m not allowed to?
I thought this was America.
I guess Mr. Hot Shot over here wants us to live in fear of the so-called “Germans.” He says that German planes might see our lights, and German U-boats will see the outlines of ships against the lights of the coast. He wants us all to be a bunch of scared little sheep, just bleating and wetting ourselves.
First things first, let me ask the council a question: have any of you ever SEEN a German? I haven’t, and I’m not convinced they’re real. Just the other day, I was eating lunch over at Jürgen’s Haus of Schweineschnitzel, and I said, “Hey Jürgen, you ever seen one of those nasty so-called Germans we’re fighting?” He said he’d never seen a German in his life and he didn’t ever want to see one, and he got so agitated that he spilled his märzenbier all over the place as he was walking away. If a great American like Jürgen Schrödervogt doesn’t believe in the Germans, I don’t see why I should either. I think they’re just a big made-up hoax.
But hey, let’s just say for the sake of argument that the Germans ARE real and their U-boats are patrolling right off our coast. And let’s say that I leave every light in my house on, and that allows a U-boat to spot one of our Navy ships, and they torpedo it, and it sinks.
So what? That’s not my problem. If the Navy is so worried about these ships getting torpedoed, maybe they ought to keep them in the dock where they’re safe.
I think this whole “lights out” business is part of a much bigger conspiracy. First they tell you to leave your lights off. Then they ask you to buy bonds to support the war effort. You know what comes next? That’s right: taking away all of your guns for some reason.
Besides, this whole blackout thing came together way too quickly to be safe. We don’t yet know the long-term effects of leaving our lights off. What if I stub my toe going to the bathroom in the middle of the night? Or what if I transform into a human version of one of those weird blind cave salamanders? Who’s going to pay for that?
I’ll tell you this: when I get home, I’m going to switch on every light in my house, throw open every shade, turn on every appliance, and crank up the volume on my record player. Heck, I might even build a bonfire in the front yard. I’m not going to live my life being afraid like the rest of you dumb sheep. And hey, if you don’t like it, you know what you can do? Just leave your own lights off. Maybe that’ll make you snowflakes feel safe.
Honestly, supporting this so-called war effort is the single most un-American thing I can think of.
