By BEN R. WILLIAMS
WASHINGTON D.C. — Based on recently leaked audio from internal meetings of the right-wing think tank The Heritage Foundation, leadership at the organization is struggling to find a way to blame the 2025 hurricane season on “woke.”
Founded in 1973, The Heritage Foundation took a leading role in the conservative movement in the 1980s and has since focused on such goals as the creation and implementation of Project 2025, climate change denial, and ushering in a new world of gods and monsters.
“It’s been a real challenge for The Heritage Foundation,” said one insider who preferred to remain anonymous. “They’ve had a lot of success convincing middle America that ‘wokeness’ — that is, other people being well-informed and generally aware of the world around them — is the cause of all their problems. Naturally, it’s difficult to assign that same blame to hurricanes.”
In the leaked audio from a recent Heritage Foundation board meeting, the organization’s President Kevin Roberts can be heard floating various angles to the board.
“All right, all right,” Roberts can be heard to say. “Offshore wind turbines, right? What if we say that the spinning blades make hurricanes worse? They’re like big fans. This guy gets it. Also, we say that putting all those turbines out there has, uh, displaced the oceans, causing sea levels to rise. Jump in guys, play in the space. There are no bad ideas.”
In another leaked section, Roberts takes a different tack.
“OK, follow me on this one,” he says. “So hurricanes are a destructive force, right, and destruction is traditionally masculine, you follow me? But hurricanes are always named after women! I think there’s some kind of transgender thing there, right? Yeah, yeah. Don’t give me that look Larry, I can have you back to bussing tables at the Old Ebbitt Grill by tomorrow night.”
As the audio wears on, Roberts begins to sound increasingly desperate.
“I don’t know man, maybe the wind is gay,” he can be heard to say. “You people aren’t better than me. Quit staring at me with that face. Are we out of Blanton’s? It’s because of woke. It’s always because of the woke. I can … I can hear the woke. It’s in the floors! Tear up the planks!”
The remaining audio is drowned out by the sounds of construction and shattering rocks glasses.
When asked about The Heritage Foundation at a recent press conference, President Donald Trump said that he wasn’t familiar with the organization and didn’t know anyone in its leadership, but that a lot of people are saying that wind turbines cause hurricanes and that they are transgender.
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