WASHINGTON, D.C. — Rumors of death and incapacitation swirled after President Donald Trump, the most inescapable human being on the planet, fell silent for a couple of days.
“This just isn’t like the President,” said political pundit Mark Kessler. “For his entire life, Donald Trump has been pulled toward cameras like a moth to a flame. This is a man who appeared in Pizza Hut commercials and the Bo Derek movie ‘Ghosts Can’t Do It.’ If there is a camera somewhere in his vicinity broadcasting a feed to even a single person, Donald Trump will find it. And yet, no one’s really heard much from him for a couple of days. Clearly, something unbelievably catastrophic has happened.”
Former White House aide Stephanie Milford agreed.
“Donald Trump has been in the public eye his entire life, but for the last ten years, he has been utterly inescapable,” she said. “When he’s in the White House, he’s all anybody talks about. When he’s out of the White House, he’s all anybody talks about it. Whether you live in the U.S., or in literally any other country in the world, you are forced to think about him every single day of your miserable life, generally against your will.”
“For the last couple of days, all we’ve seen are some posts on Truth Social and a couple of long-distance photographs,” she continued. “The only logical conclusion is that he’s deeply ill, or perhaps trapped in an abandoned mine.”
Even the MAGA faithful are worried. Stan Walker, a three-time Trump voter from Arkansas, said that he has grave concerns about Trump’s condition.
“It’s not like him to not be talking,” Walker said. “It’s causing me a lot of anxiety. For example, I went to the movies over the weekend and they played this ad for Levi’s jeans that had Beyonce in it. I kept wondering if the ad was woke, but without Trump to tell me, I just don’t know. I almost started to have an independent thought, but then I got a headache and had to lie down. Get well soon, Mr. President.”
Concerns are rising internationally, as well. In a wholly unprecedented interview, the leader of the Sentinelese, a largely uncontacted hunter-gatherer tribe that lives on North Sentinel Island in the Bay of Bengal, said that he was concerned about the President’s whereabouts.
“We Sentinelese know nothing of the outside world,” said the leader, who either does not have a name or chose not to share it. “We have heard tales of lights that glow without fire, metal birds that ferry men through the sky, and great square boxes with little people inside that enact tales of adventure and intrigue. Anyway, I find it deeply surprising that U.S. President Donald Trump hasn’t made a statement in nearly 36 hours. It’s not like him to fall silent like this. Sure, there have been a few posts on his Truth Social account, but those could have been written by interns or even AI. I feel like he’s hiding something, just as the sun hides from its enemies when night falls.”
In an official statement regarding the controversy, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt said that Trump was in perfect health and there was no cause for suspicion, he had merely spent the weekend competing in a charity truth-telling competition.
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