WASHINGTON, D.C. — While last week’s Alaska summit between President Donald Trump and Russian President Vladimir Putin didn’t end with a ceasefire in Ukraine, that doesn’t mean that Trump didn’t play hardball with the Russian dictator, according to Trump’s inner circle.
In an exclusive interview, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt said that she watched first-hand as Trump laid down the law with Putin.
“There’s a popular narrative on the left that Trump is some kind of child who will listen uncritically to anyone who flatters his ego, and that Putin is a calculating master manipulator who plays Trump like a fiddle,” Leavitt said. “But in my experience, the only one around here fiddling kids is President Donald Trump.”
According to Leavitt, Trump’s exchange with Putin last Sunday was a master class in the kind of four-dimensional chess the President excels in.
“The President’s goal was to subtly let Putin know that the U.S. means business,” Leavitt said. “That started when we rolled out the literal red carpet for Putin. Normally, we would use a high-pile carpet, but this time, we rolled out a slightly cheaper low-pile carpet, which I’m sure did not escape Putin’s notice.”
Trump’s biggest victory, however, occurred when he was asked to give the Russian President the traditional shoeshine.
“During his first meeting with President Trump in 2017, President Putin explained that in Russia, it is customary for the President to give a visiting dignitary a shoeshine,” Leavitt said. “Putin told Trump that he was certain his large and imposing hands would provide a terrific shine, and of course the President was eager to prove him correct.”
After arriving at Joint Base Elmendorf-Richardson in Anchorage, Leavitt said, Putin told Trump to “go get his (redacted) shinebox,” which she characterized as “a little joke they have.”
“Trump knelt down and began shining one of Putin’s shoes, while Putin propped his other foot on the President’s shoulder,” Leavitt said. “Embarrassingly enough for the Russian President, he didn’t even realize he’d stepped in a dog dropping earlier. Anyway, Trump gave Putin a shoeshine, but in a masterful show of dominance, he intentionally did a sub-par job.”
First off, Leavitt said, Trump chose to use a Dasco polish on Putin’s shoes, knowing full well that the Russian President prefers the Saphir Pate De Luxe due to its use of turpentine over naptha.
“I imagine that Putin was simply fuming the entire flight back to the motherland,” Leavitt said.
Next, Leavitt said, Trump chose to buff Putin’s shoes with a traditional horsehair brush rather than Putin’s preferred yak hair brushes.
“It was like a game of chess, and Trump kept metaphorically saying to Putin, ’King me,’” Leavitt said.
While Putin has yet to react to Trump’s display of strength at the summit, Leavitt said that Trump will go down in history alongside our nation’s strongest Presidents.
“Who can forget the moment that Ronald Reagan told Mikhail Gorbachev, ‘Excuse me sir, would you mind tearing down this wall, please?’” Leavitt said. “Or what about when Franklin Delano Roosevelt looked at the atrocities committed by the Nazis and boldly said, “C’mon, Mr. Hitler, not so haaaaard, cut it ouuuuuuuut!’ That’s the same kind of legacy Trump will leave.”
Leavitt added that while a ceasefire was not reached at the summit, Putin did grudgingly agree to let Trump whitewash his Aunt Polly’s fence.
