(NOTE: Regular columnist Ben R. Williams is recovering this week after attending an air show and getting sucked through the engine of a Messerschmidt. Filling in for Williams is beloved fashionista and trend-setter Mr. Snarkwell, whose coverage of celebrity fashion and gossip has appeared in People Magazine, Us Weekly, and Sassy Bachelor Monthly).
Hello, darlings! It’s me, Mr. Snarkwell, your personal scrying glass into the crazy world of celebrity news and hot hot trends! Your regular columnist should be back next week; of course, if that jet engine mishap doesn’t kill him, his closet full of Iron Maiden T-shirts just might!
Summer has arrived with a bang and one thing is for certain; everything old is new again! That’s certainly good news for Mr. Snarkwell, considering that I got my start as one of The Little Rascals after Hal Roach backed over Porky.
But what era has come roaring back to the fore? Why, the early 2000s, of course! A little birdie told me that none other than Sydney Sweeney was spotted leaving LA’s 88 Club in a pair of low-rise flared jeans and a handkerchief top. Where the hottest young starlets go, so goes the rest of the nation, so dust off your *NSYNC CDs and invest heavily in denim!
My sources in the fashion world have told me that’s just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to early 2000s trends that are coming back in a big way. Spaghetti strap tops are back, velour tracksuits are on the rise, and platform shoes are stomping their way back to the red carpet!
And of course, what return to the early 2000s would be complete without America entering an endless war in the Middle East based on false information about a dictatorship possessing weapons of mass destruction? Call us 2003 Britney Spears because this is toxic and we’re all slipping under!
There’s nothing Mr. Snarkwell loves more than writing about a completely avoidable quagmire that’s destined to be horrifically damaging to everyone involved — but enough about Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce!
Yowza!
Now, not everyone is happy to see the early 2000s come back. Just yesterday I was talking to Gary, my manager and roommate of 53 years, and he said he had enough of that era the first time around; he never liked “Lost” or “The Gilmore Girls,” and the only “Freaks and Geeks” he wants to see are “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills!” Well, you can’t please everyone. It’s a lot like what I’ve always said about critics of Donatella Versace’s fashion sense and also military engagement in the Middle East: you can’t use reason to resolve a conflict when the causes of the conflict are based in belief and inherently irrational!
Zing!
But Gary isn’t the only one who’s lost his taste for these fashions; at a party last week, I overheard the Goddess Christina Aguilera say that if she has to slip into a pair of leather pants again, it’s going to be World War 3! Realistically however, I don’t think we’ll see World War 3, just an endless series of global conflicts, generally entered without Congressional approval, that only serve to prop up the military-industrial complex and bolster our deeply questionable relationship with Israel at the cost of making Middle Eastern children fear death from the sky.
Wango!
Well darlings, Mr. Snarkwell needs his beauty sleep — and a lot of it, if you ask Gary! As William Faulkner said, the past is never dead. It’s not even past. And if you don’t believe me, just ask Hugo Boss and Coco Chanel. They’ve never had more American fans than they do now, and it has nothing to do with their fashion sense!
I’ll see you next time, and bring me a 7 and 7 on your way back, won’t you?
Yours,
Mr. Snarkwell
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