WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the most stirring rebuke of President Donald Trump yet, Democratic Party leaders announced this week that they are strongly considering not inviting the President and Republican lawmakers to the annual Fancy Lad Ice Cream Social at Capitol Hill’s Lincoln Park.
“Originally established by President William Howard Taft, the Fancy Lad Ice Cream Social is one of Washington’s most cherished bipartisan traditions,” said Senate Minority Leader Sen. Chuck Schumer. “It’s an opportunity for members of both parties to come together, eat some ice cream, welcome the spring, and perhaps enjoy a three-legged race.”
However, Schumer said, in light of recent events, Democratic leaders are feeling less than inviting.
“President Donald Trump and his unelected co-President Elon Musk are dismantling this nation for profit like a Cadillac at a chop shop,” Schumer said. “They’ve taken a wrecking ball to the federal government. They’re about to usher in a new Great Depression. They have cozied up to Russia and rejected our allies in Ukraine, shaming us on the international stage. They have sown hate for immigrants, minorities, and members of the LGBTQ community. They have no respect whatsoever for the rule of law and are attempting to turn our nation into a monarchy. These are the darkest days our nation has seen since the Civil War, and what they have done in a little over a month will take years if not decades to undo. We are a laughing stock to the world and our position as ‘the shining city on a hill’ has been forfeited. Indeed, the great American experiment has likely come to a tragic and completely avoidable end.”
“It is for these reasons and more,” Schumer said, “that myself and my fellow Democrats have decided to form a committee to determine whether or not we should consider disinviting the Republicans from the Fancy Lad Ice Cream Social.”
Democratic political consultant James Carville described the action as an “unprecedented reprimand.”
“This is a more aggressive action from the Democrats than I would have personally recommended,” Carville said. “It’s hard enough for us to find common ground with Republican members of Congress, and a rebuke like this will only make it harder. Especially if they bring back that Jamocha almond fudge flavor from last year and Trump doesn’t get any.”
However, Schumer said that given the severity of Trump’s crimes and the Republican Party’s complicity, he had no choice but to pursue the nuclear option.
“I originally had every intention of joining the President and his cabinet one month from now in Lincoln Park and awarding an oversized lollipop to whichever portly, pale child is crowned The Fanciest Lad of 2025,” Schumer said. “I think we were all looking forward to that moment. But serious times call for serious measures, and I cannot in good conscience participate in an egg-and-spoon race with people who are traitors to this nation and its ideals.”
House Minority Leader Rep. Hakeem Jeffries echoed Schumer’s comments.
“These are uncertain times, but we must remember the parable of the scorpion and the frog,” Jeffries said. “As the story goes, a scorpion wants to cross a river but can’t swim, so it asks a frog to let it ride across on its back. The frog is hesitant because it fears the scorpion will sting it, but the scorpion promises not to; after all, they would both drown. Halfway across the river, the scorpion stings the frog anyway, dooming them both. It is simply the scorpion’s nature to sting.”
“The moral of this parable is clear,” Jeffries added. “Whatever mistakes the frog made are immaterial. The point is that the frog died with the moral high ground. And really, isn’t that what’s most important?”
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